[ It's too hard for Jiang Cheng, who feels as though he is sixteen again when he is twice that age, who feels as though he is back in his childhood home with his brother knocking on his door to be let in, to beg forgiveness. That's how it had always worked out, wasn't it? Wei Wuxian would do something stupid and Jiang Cheng would go and save him or dig him out of it, for the benefit of Lotus Pier and because he loved his brother more than he ever loved himself.
The touch to his face is enough to undo him but he keeps himself together, fresh out of tears and exhausted from the weight of his own feeling and the pain of existence. He hasn't had enough time to mourn, not really - a thousand years wouldn't be enough time to get over his sister, his family, his parents, his home. None of it would be enough, not when his heart is so heavy and so burdened with the agony of being alive.
He wishes that he could draw Sandu and make do, that he could do something to end the torment of seeing his brother back to life - Wei Wuxian returned when Jiang Yanli, when Jin Zixuan, when Madam Yu and father - but he can't. He isn't strong enough to destroy Wei Wuxian when he is so glad to see him, when he is making a life for himself in Gusu, when he has Lan Wangji to love and support him and Jiang Cheng has no one but his own pain and isolation to keep him company. ]
We both know I could have protected you. I could have protected Lady Wen as well - I tried, but she...
[ She returned his comb. She had chosen a life where death would come to her rather than a chance of living at his side. Should he feel sour about that, still? That she would have chosen death over marriage to him when he had been so earnest in his affection for her? He understands the sentiment all the same; choosing her brother over love. He would have done it too - Wei Wuxian over Wen Qing.
His stomach churns with pain and agony, with the nausea of hurt and years of suffering, of punishing himself for things out of his control. Punishing himself by thinking about it, over and over, is the only constant he knows - other than his nephew, his home. He had lived with it for so long that it felt more like an ally than an enemy.
He bows his head, breathing out shakily. ]
Isn't that failure enough, Wei Wuxian? I was never anything without you at my side, and you were gone.
too many deep emotions and no brain
The touch to his face is enough to undo him but he keeps himself together, fresh out of tears and exhausted from the weight of his own feeling and the pain of existence. He hasn't had enough time to mourn, not really - a thousand years wouldn't be enough time to get over his sister, his family, his parents, his home. None of it would be enough, not when his heart is so heavy and so burdened with the agony of being alive.
He wishes that he could draw Sandu and make do, that he could do something to end the torment of seeing his brother back to life - Wei Wuxian returned when Jiang Yanli, when Jin Zixuan, when Madam Yu and father - but he can't. He isn't strong enough to destroy Wei Wuxian when he is so glad to see him, when he is making a life for himself in Gusu, when he has Lan Wangji to love and support him and Jiang Cheng has no one but his own pain and isolation to keep him company. ]
We both know I could have protected you. I could have protected Lady Wen as well - I tried, but she...
[ She returned his comb. She had chosen a life where death would come to her rather than a chance of living at his side. Should he feel sour about that, still? That she would have chosen death over marriage to him when he had been so earnest in his affection for her? He understands the sentiment all the same; choosing her brother over love. He would have done it too - Wei Wuxian over Wen Qing.
His stomach churns with pain and agony, with the nausea of hurt and years of suffering, of punishing himself for things out of his control. Punishing himself by thinking about it, over and over, is the only constant he knows - other than his nephew, his home. He had lived with it for so long that it felt more like an ally than an enemy.
He bows his head, breathing out shakily. ]
Isn't that failure enough, Wei Wuxian? I was never anything without you at my side, and you were gone.