[ When he realises the weight of the words he's said, the confession that he didn't mean to make or admit to, Jiang Cheng can do little more than swallow back the sudden rush of anxiety and nausea. He doesn't want to be the one to admit to these things, wanted this to be a secret he kept to himself - even if Jin Ling was pushing and pushing for him to admit to it, for him to say those unspoken words to his brother.
He hadn't been prepared for what it might been to unburden his heart, to pass on that knowledge, to let himself feel what he had felt, to delve into his own heartache. When Jiang Cheng had stepped out of the inn on that rainy day he had been prepared to die, had been prepared to give himself up entirely for what remained of his family - he was the heir to the Jiang sect, after all, and the Wens would likely want for him and no one else.
The fact that Wei Wuxian had come back to get him, that Wen Ning had snuck him out, that Wen Qing had healed him... He had never expected that to happen. He had never expected to be so dearly loved or cherished so much. He had hoped for Wei Wuxian and Yanli to find a place of respite, a place to care for themselves, not for them to risk their own lives and joys and futures to come to him. It had been too much for him to bear for even a moment.
There's no way for him to show his own face right now and he breathes out, shaken and unsure as he swallows back the lump in his throat. ]
You are the one who taught me to be a fool.
[ To admit all this in front of Yanli... He can only imagine what she might think of him, what she might imagine. It had cost him this much to even get to this point, to admit it, that made him feel as though he had the confidence and the strength to do it - and there's nothing else that he can do other than try not to let himself break down into more tears, to cry more and more until there's nothing left inside of him.
Jiang Cheng barely even realises that he's shaking, his hands clenched around fabric and nothingness as he tries to calm himself down. ]
You shouldn't have. You shouldn't have believed, because in the end I was a failure all the same.
[ He breathes out, shaking his head and leaning back, trying to pull himself away. ]
You don't understand, Wei Wuxian. It was a stupid mistake and in the end it was meaningless. All I wanted was to protect you and Yanli and I failed at that as well.
me, rewatching episode 17 and wanting to die
He hadn't been prepared for what it might been to unburden his heart, to pass on that knowledge, to let himself feel what he had felt, to delve into his own heartache. When Jiang Cheng had stepped out of the inn on that rainy day he had been prepared to die, had been prepared to give himself up entirely for what remained of his family - he was the heir to the Jiang sect, after all, and the Wens would likely want for him and no one else.
The fact that Wei Wuxian had come back to get him, that Wen Ning had snuck him out, that Wen Qing had healed him... He had never expected that to happen. He had never expected to be so dearly loved or cherished so much. He had hoped for Wei Wuxian and Yanli to find a place of respite, a place to care for themselves, not for them to risk their own lives and joys and futures to come to him. It had been too much for him to bear for even a moment.
There's no way for him to show his own face right now and he breathes out, shaken and unsure as he swallows back the lump in his throat. ]
You are the one who taught me to be a fool.
[ To admit all this in front of Yanli... He can only imagine what she might think of him, what she might imagine. It had cost him this much to even get to this point, to admit it, that made him feel as though he had the confidence and the strength to do it - and there's nothing else that he can do other than try not to let himself break down into more tears, to cry more and more until there's nothing left inside of him.
Jiang Cheng barely even realises that he's shaking, his hands clenched around fabric and nothingness as he tries to calm himself down. ]
You shouldn't have. You shouldn't have believed, because in the end I was a failure all the same.
[ He breathes out, shaking his head and leaning back, trying to pull himself away. ]
You don't understand, Wei Wuxian. It was a stupid mistake and in the end it was meaningless. All I wanted was to protect you and Yanli and I failed at that as well.