( Riiiight Lan Zhan actually cooks, he doesn't forget this so much as not factor it into "lazy" coded days. Wei Wuxian rolls off the couch and oads his way on into the kitchen, catching sight of Lan Zhan putting things into the fridge. A fridge with an eye mask in it, with no explanation, along with various pickled things, odds and ends and the remains of some potato dish he must have made himself the day before. )
I don't mind, it's your time to decide what to do with. Ordering something just means you suffer the movies earlier, and the suffering ends sooner.
( He grins, as this is clearly the selling point, but then is shifting over to the sink to grab some of what cleaned dishes were sitting there, drying. )
What do you say?
I mean it is... but even LWJ will notice if you do that
[ Lan Zhan smiles softly as he unpacks the last leafy green vegetables into the fridge. Cooking with Wei Ying is always an adventure, but he wouldn't mind letting himself get swept into a terrible movie. He will compromise. He turns back to Wei Ying, the manic grin on his face somehow still endearing. ]
I will make us snacks and dessert. We can order food. Do you have a preference?
[ He starts with microwave popcorn, shaking the bag and sending it spinning away to heat up. Lan Zhan then grabs a bowl out of the cupboard, sets it aside and walks over to see what kind of food they'll be getting. ]
( He hums and brings up a few of the more local to the area and not... expensive... restaurants, finally settling on some kind of fresh fish bowl place that has a robust selection of vegetarian options in addition to thin slices of fish and other meats. All raw, yes, or seared lightly.
He holds his phone up to Lan Zhan when he joins him, lifting his eyebrows. )
See anything on menu that looks appealing?
( To a chorus of pops from the microwave, the scent of popped corn suffusing the area. )
[ Lan Zhan tactfully refrains from asking if Wei Ying is on the menu, it is second nature by now at this stage in their friendship. He squints slightly, then takes Wei Ying's hand holding the phone and pulls it closer to his eyes. He flicks through the menu, then the hygiene rating and finds it acceptable. He selects a mixed lentils and tofu platter, then lets go. ]
It is your turn.
[ He rumbles as he steps back to the side where he left a bag of salad. He knows the likelihood of Wei Ying ordering a fruit or vegetable is low enough he feels the need to supplement it, then gets distracted by the microwave. He sources a bowl and pulls out the very hot bag, tipping it into the bowl and making his way towards the sofa.]
What is the terrible movie you cannot wait to see?
( This isn't Booty Call, it's a restaurant, Lan Zhan, they don't brook with those things! He ends up selecting something with beef and vegetables of some kind, because variety is the spice of life, and this one's rated extra hot. )
The Wicker Man!
( Welcome to the birth of a hundred memes, Lan Zhan. Order sent, he pays for it with his connected account, watching his phone while it processes. Once it does, he grins, nabbing a few paper towels before joining Lan Zhan at the sofa. )
( Movie time, movie time! With his phone tracking order progress, at least a good half hour to full hour out, he sets up the player and on with the movie, having no knowledge to really run with beyond a guessed: )
The cultists tend the bees.
( It has to bee. He can't beelieve that Nicholas Cage and the Wicker Man was about a man pitted against giant sentient bees.
The movie would have been titled The Bee Man if it had! (He's not questioning if a Wicker is a thing or not.) )
[ Lan Zhan has gone from dubious to outright incredulous. He has seen bad movies, he has seen cheap movies. He has even seen Nicolas cage act before. This movie is... what even is it. ]
Already questionable that he could have missed the cause of the accident, the exposition heavy letter and the citizens of the island practically having 'Cult' stamped on their foreheads. It is unsurprising that he did not become a detective.
[ You asked for this Wei Ying. He will tear this movie to shreds. ]
( Wei Wuxian, for his part, is equally popcorning the ridiculousness of the movie as he is Lan Zhan's outrages over the fact the movie is inherently beyond belief. In fact, at one point, he tries to put popcorn into Lan Zhan's mouth, because this important piece of ridiculous dialogue is worth hearing uninterrupted. )
Some people have dreams they're never meant to realise, I'm surprised he never lost his daughter before now. Besides! It's such a nice seeming creepy cult!
( That and that when there are bees involved... he simply says, )
Release the bees.
( There are no bee releases. He just says it.
Dinner arrives in the process, and he gives Lan Zhan a mock serious look. )
Do I hit pause, or do I just leave you here to suffer while I answer the door?
[ Lan Zhan is caught up being absolutely traumatised by the dialogue, including small children chanting 'phallic symbol', Nicolas cage's love interest refusing to speak anything that could be considered clear and HOW DID IT GET BURNED. It takes him a second to notice the doorbell.
When Wei Ying asks his head snaps to look at him, eyes wide. ]
If you leave me alone in this I will never cook for you again.
[ He has been grinding his teeth so hard in places it was audible, making growling noises that could have been words every time his mouth is full so decorum says he cannot speak. All the growls vaguely translate to things like "How has he not called for back up?", "He is allergic to the bees why is he running towards them?" and other delights. ]
( The best part of watching this movie is watching Lan Zhan watch this movie. Wei Wuxian is living and he's not remotely apologetic. When Lan Zhan turns a wide eyed look at him and threatens to redact all housewife priveledges from their friendship, Wei Wuxian can't help himself: he laughs, holding up his hands in a defeated gesture. )
Fine, fine, for the sake of your cooking, I yield!
( For the sake of Lan Zhan's hilarious look right now, he'd yield anything.
A touch of the remote has the movie paused, and he heads for the door with a spring in his step and no hesitations in pulling it open to accept the food thus handed over. Still hot to the touch, and he turns, grinning, using his foot to close the door and heading to the table. )
Still hot! Lan Zhan, grab a few dishes, I'll get the chopsticks—did you want water or something else to drink?
( To clutch at while Nicholas Cage continued to court his own ludicrous disaster on the island of feminine bee empowerment. Or something. Wei Wuxian stopped paying attention at the first attempt at making out what Lan Zhan had been grumbling over earlier. )
[ Truly a wise choice on Wei Ying's part. Not because Lan Zhan would ever have followed through with his threat, Wei Ying would die of malnutrition in a month, but because he would have found a way to exact revenge. Slowly. Painfully. With the movie paused and sanity momentarily restored, he takes his order and puts it on a plate and frowns at the idea of eating out of a carton. ]
Water is sufficient.
[ Lan Zhan scowls at the paused screen. He lost any faith in the movie around minute seven but this is showing his expectations should have been even lower. ]
I do not understand how this movie even got made. It is a blight.
If you're asking me to understand the way the United States makes movies, I won't be able to explain it. It's all nonsense to me.
( Not entirely true, but he doesn't so much follow movie trends as read reviews every so often on sites he browses when bored.
Fetching a glass, he pours water out for both of them, then two sets of chopsticks, from different collectives. The ones tipped with carved clouds he extends to Lan Zhan, serving himself on another plate and gesturing to the water he'd set on the table. )
Choose whichever you want, they're both water. I'm saving the wine for later.
( A grin, and also a note: )
Not to mention, what I have right now won't pair well with what we're eating.
( This is him being outright pompous for the sake of it, given he has little care for matching palates instead of whims. )
Come on, let's watch and eat, how else are we going to make it to the end?
The united states makes movies in the same way an executioner does his duties: without thought or remorse.
[ He admires the chopsticks for a moment, still as touched as the day Wei Ying first bought them for him. He picks up the closest glass of water and sips it, if only to delay the punishment of the movie resuming. ]
I have never known you to care if what you were drinking matched what you are eating before. Please, do not start on my account.
[ Lan Zhan is teasing. But this movie makes himself want to reach for the nearest bottle and black out from that so he will not remember any more. ]
Fine. Let us see if the detective manages to defend himself from an island of bee cultists. In a bear suit.
( No, no passing out on him and thus skipping out on the amazing acting skills of Nicholas Cage in a bear suit. Wei Wuxian snickers, nodding his head and digging into his food freely enough: )
Yes, yes, and when he fails, we can say, how un-bear-able.
[ It says a lot that when Wei Ying makes this pun, Lan Zhan visibly freezes for a moment, then places the chopsticks down on the table. He turns and faces Wei Ying, intensely even for Lan Zhan.]
[ An audible sigh, which is saying a lot really. For Lan Zhan. He picks his chopsticks back up and eats the vegetables he has been given. Once consumed, Lan Zhan holds Wei Ying's gaze as he deliberately puts some of the blandest vegetables from his own dish in Wei Ying's. ]
Eat. Or you will get scurvy.
[ He closes his eyes and resigns himself to this torture. ]
This movies is claws for alarm.
[ Lan Zhan immediately presses play to drown out any response. ]
( He good naturedly avoids the bland vegetables and instead eats more meat, because of course he does. Then drapes a bland veggie over another sliver of meat, as a way to spice it up, only to half choke on it when he starts laughing at Lan Zhan's terrible pun.
The movie plays on, and Wei Wuxian is coughing and wheezing on his part of the couch, bent forward and waving his hand at Lan Zhan, a la did you just do that, really!? )
[ Lan Zhan is steadfastly not looking at the wheezing man beside him, pretending to be engrossed in this bizarre series of events that lead -and here is where Lan Zhan visibly freezes, chopsticks half way to mouth- to Nicholas Cage punching out a woman while dressed in a bear suit. ]
Hm.
[ He leans forward slightly, eyes narrowing. Good god he hates this movie. Lan Zhan bites the vegetables off the chopsticks with such an audible clack that it feels like the chopsticks were in danger of also being consumed. He chews, swallows, and then leans back into the sofa. He blinks once, twice, putting the chopsticks on the side of his plate. ]
This movie-
[ He cuts off as he watches the little girl run back to her weird cult family. Then Cage gets surrounded. ]
I am unsurprised by this turn of events. This is the opposite of a climax.
[ A small, nagging thought occurs. He ignores it.]
( At this point he's not even watching the movie, he's watching Lan Zhan watch the movie and is having the best damn time of his life. He's finished with eating, actively laughing but trying to not laugh loudly, and is in the process of collapsing onto Lan Zhan's shoulder, shaking with laughter, tears at the corner of his eyes. )
I don't know, Lan Zhan, I think it came together just fine!
( He wheezes, and then he's back to silently laughing that spills into outright laughing the moment Lan Zhan so much as looks his way. )
[ The worrying thought will not be silenced, as he watches the town descend on Cage. He turns and fixes Wei Ying with a look two shades from concerned. ]
Wei Ying.
[ He looks back at the sickening sounds of Cage getting his legs hobbled. He does not find it in himself to care. ]
wasn't it already, he just didn't notice
I don't mind, it's your time to decide what to do with. Ordering something just means you suffer the movies earlier, and the suffering ends sooner.
( He grins, as this is clearly the selling point, but then is shifting over to the sink to grab some of what cleaned dishes were sitting there, drying. )
What do you say?
I mean it is... but even LWJ will notice if you do that
[ Lan Zhan smiles softly as he unpacks the last leafy green vegetables into the fridge. Cooking with Wei Ying is always an adventure, but he wouldn't mind letting himself get swept into a terrible movie. He will compromise. He turns back to Wei Ying, the manic grin on his face somehow still endearing. ]
I will make us snacks and dessert. We can order food. Do you have a preference?
[ He starts with microwave popcorn, shaking the bag and sending it spinning away to heat up. Lan Zhan then grabs a bowl out of the cupboard, sets it aside and walks over to see what kind of food they'll be getting. ]
oh good one of them will notice then
He holds his phone up to Lan Zhan when he joins him, lifting his eyebrows. )
See anything on menu that looks appealing?
( To a chorus of pops from the microwave, the scent of popped corn suffusing the area. )
lets see if he says anything about it
He squints slightly, then takes Wei Ying's hand holding the phone and pulls it closer to his eyes. He flicks through the menu, then the hygiene rating and finds it acceptable. He selects a mixed lentils and tofu platter, then lets go. ]
It is your turn.
[ He rumbles as he steps back to the side where he left a bag of salad. He knows the likelihood of Wei Ying ordering a fruit or vegetable is low enough he feels the need to supplement it, then gets distracted by the microwave.
He sources a bowl and pulls out the very hot bag, tipping it into the bowl and making his way towards the sofa.]
What is the terrible movie you cannot wait to see?
dun dun dun!!!
The Wicker Man!
( Welcome to the birth of a hundred memes, Lan Zhan. Order sent, he pays for it with his connected account, watching his phone while it processes. Once it does, he grins, nabbing a few paper towels before joining Lan Zhan at the sofa. )
I think bees are involved.
Re: dun dun dun!!!
How prepared do you think I should be?
[ While Wei Ying is distracted, Lan Zhan finds Wei Ying's wallet and slides some money in it. He puts it back and says nothing about it. ]
Bees? It talks about cultism. Are the bees the cultists?
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The cultists tend the bees.
( It has to bee. He can't beelieve that Nicholas Cage and the Wicker Man was about a man pitted against giant sentient bees.
The movie would have been titled The Bee Man if it had! (He's not questioning if a Wicker is a thing or not.) )
no subject
Already questionable that he could have missed the cause of the accident, the exposition heavy letter and the citizens of the island practically having 'Cult' stamped on their foreheads. It is unsurprising that he did not become a detective.
[ You asked for this Wei Ying. He will tear this movie to shreds. ]
no subject
Some people have dreams they're never meant to realise, I'm surprised he never lost his daughter before now. Besides! It's such a nice seeming creepy cult!
( That and that when there are bees involved... he simply says, )
Release the bees.
( There are no bee releases. He just says it.
Dinner arrives in the process, and he gives Lan Zhan a mock serious look. )
Do I hit pause, or do I just leave you here to suffer while I answer the door?
no subject
When Wei Ying asks his head snaps to look at him, eyes wide. ]
If you leave me alone in this I will never cook for you again.
[ He has been grinding his teeth so hard in places it was audible, making growling noises that could have been words every time his mouth is full so decorum says he cannot speak. All the growls vaguely translate to things like "How has he not called for back up?", "He is allergic to the bees why is he running towards them?" and other delights. ]
no subject
Fine, fine, for the sake of your cooking, I yield!
( For the sake of Lan Zhan's hilarious look right now, he'd yield anything.
A touch of the remote has the movie paused, and he heads for the door with a spring in his step and no hesitations in pulling it open to accept the food thus handed over. Still hot to the touch, and he turns, grinning, using his foot to close the door and heading to the table. )
Still hot! Lan Zhan, grab a few dishes, I'll get the chopsticks—did you want water or something else to drink?
( To clutch at while Nicholas Cage continued to court his own ludicrous disaster on the island of feminine bee empowerment. Or something. Wei Wuxian stopped paying attention at the first attempt at making out what Lan Zhan had been grumbling over earlier. )
no subject
Water is sufficient.
[ Lan Zhan scowls at the paused screen. He lost any faith in the movie around minute seven but this is showing his expectations should have been even lower. ]
I do not understand how this movie even got made. It is a blight.
no subject
( Not entirely true, but he doesn't so much follow movie trends as read reviews every so often on sites he browses when bored.
Fetching a glass, he pours water out for both of them, then two sets of chopsticks, from different collectives. The ones tipped with carved clouds he extends to Lan Zhan, serving himself on another plate and gesturing to the water he'd set on the table. )
Choose whichever you want, they're both water. I'm saving the wine for later.
( A grin, and also a note: )
Not to mention, what I have right now won't pair well with what we're eating.
( This is him being outright pompous for the sake of it, given he has little care for matching palates instead of whims. )
Come on, let's watch and eat, how else are we going to make it to the end?
no subject
[ He admires the chopsticks for a moment, still as touched as the day Wei Ying first bought them for him. He picks up the closest glass of water and sips it, if only to delay the punishment of the movie resuming. ]
I have never known you to care if what you were drinking matched what you are eating before. Please, do not start on my account.
[ Lan Zhan is teasing. But this movie makes himself want to reach for the nearest bottle and black out from that so he will not remember any more. ]
Fine. Let us see if the detective manages to defend himself from an island of bee cultists. In a bear suit.
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Yes, yes, and when he fails, we can say, how un-bear-able.
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Wei Ying. Have I upset you in any way?
Have I offended you and your family?
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Yanli likes you, ah? It's Jiang Cheng and you who butt heads.
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Eat. Or you will get scurvy.
[ He closes his eyes and resigns himself to this torture. ]
This movies is claws for alarm.
[ Lan Zhan immediately presses play to drown out any response. ]
no subject
I don't have a vitamin C deficiency, Lan Zhan--
( He good naturedly avoids the bland vegetables and instead eats more meat, because of course he does. Then drapes a bland veggie over another sliver of meat, as a way to spice it up, only to half choke on it when he starts laughing at Lan Zhan's terrible pun.
The movie plays on, and Wei Wuxian is coughing and wheezing on his part of the couch, bent forward and waving his hand at Lan Zhan, a la did you just do that, really!? )
no subject
Hm.
[ He leans forward slightly, eyes narrowing. Good god he hates this movie. Lan Zhan bites the vegetables off the chopsticks with such an audible clack that it feels like the chopsticks were in danger of also being consumed. He chews, swallows, and then leans back into the sofa. He blinks once, twice, putting the chopsticks on the side of his plate. ]
This movie-
[ He cuts off as he watches the little girl run back to her weird cult family. Then Cage gets surrounded. ]
I am unsurprised by this turn of events. This is the opposite of a climax.
[ A small, nagging thought occurs. He ignores it.]
no subject
I don't know, Lan Zhan, I think it came together just fine!
( He wheezes, and then he's back to silently laughing that spills into outright laughing the moment Lan Zhan so much as looks his way. )
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Wei Ying.
[ He looks back at the sickening sounds of Cage getting his legs hobbled. He does not find it in himself to care. ]
Is this the unrated version or the original?
no subject
What, there's two versions?
( He has absolutely no idea which one this is. )
Wait, did you research this on your phone?!
no subject
[ Lan Zhan shuts his eyes for a second. Breathing deeply through his nose. ]
The unrated version contains the infamous bees scene.
[ He is gritting his teeth at the thought, then flushes a little at being caught. ]
I wanted to know the general reviews before we began. To brace myself.
no subject
Sneaky, sneaky, Lan Zhan's been playing around on his phone~
( Though he settles back and sets his bowl down, nudging Lan Zhan's side. )
How bad's this bee scene? All I remember are the 'how did it get burned' memes.
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