( The best part of watching this movie is watching Lan Zhan watch this movie. Wei Wuxian is living and he's not remotely apologetic. When Lan Zhan turns a wide eyed look at him and threatens to redact all housewife priveledges from their friendship, Wei Wuxian can't help himself: he laughs, holding up his hands in a defeated gesture. )
Fine, fine, for the sake of your cooking, I yield!
( For the sake of Lan Zhan's hilarious look right now, he'd yield anything.
A touch of the remote has the movie paused, and he heads for the door with a spring in his step and no hesitations in pulling it open to accept the food thus handed over. Still hot to the touch, and he turns, grinning, using his foot to close the door and heading to the table. )
Still hot! Lan Zhan, grab a few dishes, I'll get the chopsticks—did you want water or something else to drink?
( To clutch at while Nicholas Cage continued to court his own ludicrous disaster on the island of feminine bee empowerment. Or something. Wei Wuxian stopped paying attention at the first attempt at making out what Lan Zhan had been grumbling over earlier. )
[ Truly a wise choice on Wei Ying's part. Not because Lan Zhan would ever have followed through with his threat, Wei Ying would die of malnutrition in a month, but because he would have found a way to exact revenge. Slowly. Painfully. With the movie paused and sanity momentarily restored, he takes his order and puts it on a plate and frowns at the idea of eating out of a carton. ]
Water is sufficient.
[ Lan Zhan scowls at the paused screen. He lost any faith in the movie around minute seven but this is showing his expectations should have been even lower. ]
I do not understand how this movie even got made. It is a blight.
If you're asking me to understand the way the United States makes movies, I won't be able to explain it. It's all nonsense to me.
( Not entirely true, but he doesn't so much follow movie trends as read reviews every so often on sites he browses when bored.
Fetching a glass, he pours water out for both of them, then two sets of chopsticks, from different collectives. The ones tipped with carved clouds he extends to Lan Zhan, serving himself on another plate and gesturing to the water he'd set on the table. )
Choose whichever you want, they're both water. I'm saving the wine for later.
( A grin, and also a note: )
Not to mention, what I have right now won't pair well with what we're eating.
( This is him being outright pompous for the sake of it, given he has little care for matching palates instead of whims. )
Come on, let's watch and eat, how else are we going to make it to the end?
The united states makes movies in the same way an executioner does his duties: without thought or remorse.
[ He admires the chopsticks for a moment, still as touched as the day Wei Ying first bought them for him. He picks up the closest glass of water and sips it, if only to delay the punishment of the movie resuming. ]
I have never known you to care if what you were drinking matched what you are eating before. Please, do not start on my account.
[ Lan Zhan is teasing. But this movie makes himself want to reach for the nearest bottle and black out from that so he will not remember any more. ]
Fine. Let us see if the detective manages to defend himself from an island of bee cultists. In a bear suit.
( No, no passing out on him and thus skipping out on the amazing acting skills of Nicholas Cage in a bear suit. Wei Wuxian snickers, nodding his head and digging into his food freely enough: )
Yes, yes, and when he fails, we can say, how un-bear-able.
[ It says a lot that when Wei Ying makes this pun, Lan Zhan visibly freezes for a moment, then places the chopsticks down on the table. He turns and faces Wei Ying, intensely even for Lan Zhan.]
[ An audible sigh, which is saying a lot really. For Lan Zhan. He picks his chopsticks back up and eats the vegetables he has been given. Once consumed, Lan Zhan holds Wei Ying's gaze as he deliberately puts some of the blandest vegetables from his own dish in Wei Ying's. ]
Eat. Or you will get scurvy.
[ He closes his eyes and resigns himself to this torture. ]
This movies is claws for alarm.
[ Lan Zhan immediately presses play to drown out any response. ]
( He good naturedly avoids the bland vegetables and instead eats more meat, because of course he does. Then drapes a bland veggie over another sliver of meat, as a way to spice it up, only to half choke on it when he starts laughing at Lan Zhan's terrible pun.
The movie plays on, and Wei Wuxian is coughing and wheezing on his part of the couch, bent forward and waving his hand at Lan Zhan, a la did you just do that, really!? )
[ Lan Zhan is steadfastly not looking at the wheezing man beside him, pretending to be engrossed in this bizarre series of events that lead -and here is where Lan Zhan visibly freezes, chopsticks half way to mouth- to Nicholas Cage punching out a woman while dressed in a bear suit. ]
Hm.
[ He leans forward slightly, eyes narrowing. Good god he hates this movie. Lan Zhan bites the vegetables off the chopsticks with such an audible clack that it feels like the chopsticks were in danger of also being consumed. He chews, swallows, and then leans back into the sofa. He blinks once, twice, putting the chopsticks on the side of his plate. ]
This movie-
[ He cuts off as he watches the little girl run back to her weird cult family. Then Cage gets surrounded. ]
I am unsurprised by this turn of events. This is the opposite of a climax.
[ A small, nagging thought occurs. He ignores it.]
( At this point he's not even watching the movie, he's watching Lan Zhan watch the movie and is having the best damn time of his life. He's finished with eating, actively laughing but trying to not laugh loudly, and is in the process of collapsing onto Lan Zhan's shoulder, shaking with laughter, tears at the corner of his eyes. )
I don't know, Lan Zhan, I think it came together just fine!
( He wheezes, and then he's back to silently laughing that spills into outright laughing the moment Lan Zhan so much as looks his way. )
[ The worrying thought will not be silenced, as he watches the town descend on Cage. He turns and fixes Wei Ying with a look two shades from concerned. ]
Wei Ying.
[ He looks back at the sickening sounds of Cage getting his legs hobbled. He does not find it in himself to care. ]
Mah, spoilers are spoilers, it's only spoiling if you want it to be.
( Still amused, he looks back to the screen, tapping a finger against his chin. )
Isn't that the art of a movie like this? Painfully bad, that kind of funny!
( The problem is............ then they get to the bee scene. And Wei Wuxian can't help but start laughing, and laughing, and he's crying he's laughing, having turned to bury himself at Lan Zhan's side and weakly pat at his leg, because not the bees was somehow so unfathomably ridiculous he just can't take it. )
[ He looks at the screen and winces pre-emptively. ]
Hmm. If you say so, I prefer to think of them as examples of what not to do.
[ When the scene starts he is as prepared as he will ever be, and it is still not enough. Wei Ying's giggles are like liquid sunshine, but he cannot enjoy it. Because of the spectacle happening right now on the screen. The terrible CGI bees, the terrible foaming screams. The cult standing there with no reaction at all. Lan Zhan's face slowly creases into disgust. ]
( it's a fruitless request, wei wuxian practically curled around lan zhan's side as he laughs and cries, still patting at his leg, then his side as he collapsed down, no longer capable of pretending to sit up. he still catches glimpses of the screen from lan zhan's generally hip region, but the dissolving into a pile of marshmallow mirth is not resolved by lan zhan's request.
seeing lan zhan's expression, he starts wheezing, closing his eyes and continuing his teary laughter at lan zhan's side. )
[ Lan Zhan loves Wei Ying. Even when he is wheezing into his side, incoherent over a terrible movie that he chose. It is his delight and his burden to bear.
He looks down at the wheezing mass buried into his side. He sighs. ]
I take it you are satisfied by this display? Could we perhaps aim a little higher with our next choice?
[ Lan Zhan rests one hand on Wei Ying's shaking shoulder. He squeezes slightly, then returns his gaze to the spectacle of Nic Cage being set on fire. ]
( He shakes his head, though if that's to answer for aiming higher or being ambivalent to the ending, it's not anything he clarifies. Lan Zhan has to suffer through being the only eyes aimed at the screen as Wei Wuxian slowly calms down from laughing at his side, eventually just sighing and laying there, a snicker turning into a giggle turning into a soft moan of: )
Lan Zhan, your faaaace—
( He cannot with how offended his friend was over this. It was amazing. )
[ Lan Zhan looks down at the man he adores, reduced to hysterics by torturing him via questionable movie choices. He sighs again at the new fits of giggles, huffing under his breath as he does: ]
You are lucky I love you.
[ He watches the credits roll before leaning over and grabbing the remote. He stops the fiasco of a movie and makes a relieved sound at the blessed silence. He refuses to sit through that ever again. He turns back to the jiggling puddle of Wei Ying. ]
At least it had a higher production value than Cowgirls Vs Pterodactyls.
( He's no longer really crying and laughing all that much, but he's so majestically weakened by the outburst, and hurting in that good pain way, that he's listless now at Lan Zhan's side. Also half hugging his leg, or more, his lap, with how he ended up contorting himself.
Words said, ears that barely hear; until the words are louder and he blearily squints up at Lan Zhan and grins. )
That movie was a masterpiece in creatively bad editing and people thinking you can outswim a flying predator.
[ He shifts slightly now that Wei Ying has calmed, offering his neck and head a better support on his thigh.
When Wei Ying blinks up at him his heart trips in his chest, worried for a second that he had heard, that this was the end of these easy days. Bug he is proved to be worried over nothing. ]
It had a promising start with the stop motion dinosaurs... It was a shame about the script, the acting and the papier mache close ups.
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Fine, fine, for the sake of your cooking, I yield!
( For the sake of Lan Zhan's hilarious look right now, he'd yield anything.
A touch of the remote has the movie paused, and he heads for the door with a spring in his step and no hesitations in pulling it open to accept the food thus handed over. Still hot to the touch, and he turns, grinning, using his foot to close the door and heading to the table. )
Still hot! Lan Zhan, grab a few dishes, I'll get the chopsticks—did you want water or something else to drink?
( To clutch at while Nicholas Cage continued to court his own ludicrous disaster on the island of feminine bee empowerment. Or something. Wei Wuxian stopped paying attention at the first attempt at making out what Lan Zhan had been grumbling over earlier. )
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Water is sufficient.
[ Lan Zhan scowls at the paused screen. He lost any faith in the movie around minute seven but this is showing his expectations should have been even lower. ]
I do not understand how this movie even got made. It is a blight.
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( Not entirely true, but he doesn't so much follow movie trends as read reviews every so often on sites he browses when bored.
Fetching a glass, he pours water out for both of them, then two sets of chopsticks, from different collectives. The ones tipped with carved clouds he extends to Lan Zhan, serving himself on another plate and gesturing to the water he'd set on the table. )
Choose whichever you want, they're both water. I'm saving the wine for later.
( A grin, and also a note: )
Not to mention, what I have right now won't pair well with what we're eating.
( This is him being outright pompous for the sake of it, given he has little care for matching palates instead of whims. )
Come on, let's watch and eat, how else are we going to make it to the end?
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[ He admires the chopsticks for a moment, still as touched as the day Wei Ying first bought them for him. He picks up the closest glass of water and sips it, if only to delay the punishment of the movie resuming. ]
I have never known you to care if what you were drinking matched what you are eating before. Please, do not start on my account.
[ Lan Zhan is teasing. But this movie makes himself want to reach for the nearest bottle and black out from that so he will not remember any more. ]
Fine. Let us see if the detective manages to defend himself from an island of bee cultists. In a bear suit.
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Yes, yes, and when he fails, we can say, how un-bear-able.
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Wei Ying. Have I upset you in any way?
Have I offended you and your family?
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Yanli likes you, ah? It's Jiang Cheng and you who butt heads.
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Eat. Or you will get scurvy.
[ He closes his eyes and resigns himself to this torture. ]
This movies is claws for alarm.
[ Lan Zhan immediately presses play to drown out any response. ]
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I don't have a vitamin C deficiency, Lan Zhan--
( He good naturedly avoids the bland vegetables and instead eats more meat, because of course he does. Then drapes a bland veggie over another sliver of meat, as a way to spice it up, only to half choke on it when he starts laughing at Lan Zhan's terrible pun.
The movie plays on, and Wei Wuxian is coughing and wheezing on his part of the couch, bent forward and waving his hand at Lan Zhan, a la did you just do that, really!? )
no subject
Hm.
[ He leans forward slightly, eyes narrowing. Good god he hates this movie. Lan Zhan bites the vegetables off the chopsticks with such an audible clack that it feels like the chopsticks were in danger of also being consumed. He chews, swallows, and then leans back into the sofa. He blinks once, twice, putting the chopsticks on the side of his plate. ]
This movie-
[ He cuts off as he watches the little girl run back to her weird cult family. Then Cage gets surrounded. ]
I am unsurprised by this turn of events. This is the opposite of a climax.
[ A small, nagging thought occurs. He ignores it.]
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I don't know, Lan Zhan, I think it came together just fine!
( He wheezes, and then he's back to silently laughing that spills into outright laughing the moment Lan Zhan so much as looks his way. )
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Wei Ying.
[ He looks back at the sickening sounds of Cage getting his legs hobbled. He does not find it in himself to care. ]
Is this the unrated version or the original?
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What, there's two versions?
( He has absolutely no idea which one this is. )
Wait, did you research this on your phone?!
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[ Lan Zhan shuts his eyes for a second. Breathing deeply through his nose. ]
The unrated version contains the infamous bees scene.
[ He is gritting his teeth at the thought, then flushes a little at being caught. ]
I wanted to know the general reviews before we began. To brace myself.
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Sneaky, sneaky, Lan Zhan's been playing around on his phone~
( Though he settles back and sets his bowl down, nudging Lan Zhan's side. )
How bad's this bee scene? All I remember are the 'how did it get burned' memes.
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I only wished to know if it was the movie I thought it was. I needed mental preparation. Nothing of the story was revealed.
[ Wei Ying elbows him. He will take it. ]
It is... purportedly the most memorable part. It is Nicholas Cage, it is likely painful to witness.
[ He shovels in some more food so he can avoid talking about it. About as ungraceful as he can, which is still damn graceful for anyone else. ]
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( Still amused, he looks back to the screen, tapping a finger against his chin. )
Isn't that the art of a movie like this? Painfully bad, that kind of funny!
( The problem is............ then they get to the bee scene. And Wei Wuxian can't help but start laughing, and laughing, and he's crying he's laughing, having turned to bury himself at Lan Zhan's side and weakly pat at his leg, because not the bees was somehow so unfathomably ridiculous he just can't take it. )
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[ He looks at the screen and winces pre-emptively. ]
Hmm. If you say so, I prefer to think of them as examples of what not to do.
[ When the scene starts he is as prepared as he will ever be, and it is still not enough. Wei Ying's giggles are like liquid sunshine, but he cannot enjoy it. Because of the spectacle happening right now on the screen. The terrible CGI bees, the terrible foaming screams. The cult standing there with no reaction at all. Lan Zhan's face slowly creases into disgust. ]
Wei Ying. Please. Calm yourself.
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seeing lan zhan's expression, he starts wheezing, closing his eyes and continuing his teary laughter at lan zhan's side. )
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He looks down at the wheezing mass buried into his side. He sighs. ]
I take it you are satisfied by this display? Could we perhaps aim a little higher with our next choice?
[ Lan Zhan rests one hand on Wei Ying's shaking shoulder. He squeezes slightly, then returns his gaze to the spectacle of Nic Cage being set on fire. ]
You are missing the end.
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Lan Zhan, your faaaace—
( He cannot with how offended his friend was over this. It was amazing. )
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You are lucky I love you.
[ He watches the credits roll before leaning over and grabbing the remote. He stops the fiasco of a movie and makes a relieved sound at the blessed silence. He refuses to sit through that ever again. He turns back to the jiggling puddle of Wei Ying. ]
At least it had a higher production value than Cowgirls Vs Pterodactyls.
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Words said, ears that barely hear; until the words are louder and he blearily squints up at Lan Zhan and grins. )
That movie was a masterpiece in creatively bad editing and people thinking you can outswim a flying predator.
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When Wei Ying blinks up at him his heart trips in his chest, worried for a second that he had heard, that this was the end of these easy days. Bug he is proved to be worried over nothing. ]
It had a promising start with the stop motion dinosaurs... It was a shame about the script, the acting and the papier mache close ups.
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( He looks up, to the left, to the right, then to Lan Zhan's face from where he's pillowed in his lap. )
The script was rubbish. Unsalvageable. The acting was slightly better! Some of them delivered emotional lines.
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