( Overwhelmed by the warmth he feels, and the warmth that gives him. It's... something he's really only gotten to this degree from his shijie before, that acceptance and the caretaking of the things he fumbles his way through because they did have meaning.
He nuzzles impossibly closer, practically speaking against Lan Zhan's skin, turning more and more into a limpet than a sexy lap straddling boyfriend. If it happens to be a touch closer to cuddling in its own way, it's all incidental. )
No, not bad. ( He shakes his head, reinforcing this fact. ) You're a very, very good person to me.
( And he needs a moment to just feel that, find the sting of it in his eyes and the stutter to his breathing, because this is not what he expected. Neither is it what he expects when he just sums it up as: )
You make it so hard not to love you, how's that fair!
( The crux of what's scared him all along, and the length of his denial. Loving anyone, Lan Zhan included, means being open to losing them. And that's scary; it's scary, and he hates it, this thing that could be entirely out of his control. At the same time, he loves him. )
[Wangji's arms tighten around Wei Ying, to give him that bit of grounding.]
I'm not going to apologize for that.
[He wasn't trying to make Wei Ying love him, after all. In fact, he spent a long time going out of his way not to, because he did not want to impose his feelings when it felt like Wei Ying simply wanted to be friends. Wangji wasn't sure how to be friends, but he tried his best.
But then, of course, everyone campus thinks they have bene dating for the last year and a half, so, you know, there is that.
But he's gotten to know Wei Ying in that time. Not the image he shows to everyone, the real Wei Ying. He's seen him in many places, under many circumstances. He's learned about his past too. So he can understand, in retrospect, the self-denial of his feelings because it was too scary and not something he wanted to deal with at the time.
But at the same time, he'd made his own decision to be true to his own feelings, and to treat Wei Ying with respect. And now Wei Ying has finally taken that leap and it's sort of dizzying, for both of them.
So he holds onto Wei Ying, nuzzles his cheek, rubs his back soothingly. And besides...]
( He snorts at that, but he's smiling, nuzzles back into Lan Zhan's cheek and finally, pulling his head back to look him fully in the face. )
No, not really.
( He doesn't know. )
But I'm glad you say so.
( This time, when he leans in to kiss Lan Zhan, it's a slow, measured sort of kiss, lips parted, welcoming, asking. He doesn't see himself as loveable, or hard not to love. If anything, he's fairly sure he's the opposite, and it's only those with magnanimous enough hearts, like his sister's, who can love him in spite of himself.
But he doesn't have to understand it to accept it. Lan Zhan never speaks untrue. He says, you're the same, you know, and it becomes a truth for them both. He's ineffably thankful for that. )
[One thing Wangji will never understand is how no one seems to see Wei Ying quite the way he does : a hardworking, charming person, who hides his fears and insecurities behind a bright smile and tries not to worry anyone, and seems to value himself so much less than anyone else around him ; a young man capable of protesting he's adorable and deserves to be given free food while in the same breath thinking that no one smart and beautiful could ever be interested in him because clearly, he's a disaster ; a person confident in his own smarts where his research is concerned, but almost willingly obtuse with matters of the heart because they scare him.]
I'm saying it, and I think it, too.
[Maybe Wangji shouldn't say anything because it took him a long time to come to terms with his own feelings and decide what he was going to do with them as well, but he doesn't like Wei Ying disparaging himself.]
It's always been you. It couldn't have been anyone but you.
( Honey sweet words, but overwhelming, too, because Lan Zhan does not lie by direct obscuration, and it's so much, to make Wei Wuxian into someone's all and everything. His response is to go still, freezing for a moment, a contained shiver: then he shifts to the side, tugs Lan Zhan with him so that they're falling sideways on the couch, the whole awkward length of it and its hidden depths with tangled limbs. (He assumes there are some. Couches are voids for change and lip balm and everything else that might fit into a pocket, then find itself mysteriously liberated from its depths.
It takes shifting and rearranging to find any comfortable way to be laying like this, the blanket caught in a mess of itself, but Wei Wuxian allowing himself to be close and to all but cling and try, frankly, to capture one of Lan Zhan's legs between his if or when he shifts to accommodate this nonsense. His heart beats too fast, painful in a pleasant way, and he doesn't want to hide his face right now so much as hold Lan Zhan's close to his neck, by his rabbiting pulse. )
I'm going to mess up.
( He says this matter of fact, even if he's nerves, because he already has before, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care, that he won't try. )
I'll work on it, but just... Lan Zhan, I'll mess up.
( And he'll apologise, and he'll mess up, and he'll apologise again. The ways each time will be new, he's not that kind of idiot, but he doesn't know how else to say, please don't leave. )
( Badumbadmbadum, a drumbeat in his ears. The touch at his back is indeed soothing, and he sighs, pressing himself closer, just to not let himself think harder than his racing brain is trying. He was turned on just a moment ago, but now is time for confusion boners, and he's grumbling about that to himself too, because those are far less fun and he doesn't want to deal with it now. He just wants to be...
... Okay, he wants to be held, and that's a weird new thing too, because while it's a nebulous idea in his head, and he's been hugged by both his siblings before, and by friends at various points, it's not like this. Not him trying to not so subtly barnacle onto Lan Zhan, holding him close, and wanting to be held, and not knowing how to ask for that. )
I'm not planning to try, but the best of plans... You'll tell me, right? If I'm messing up?
( It's not going to come out too late or with a cutting finality, is it? )
[he has Wei Ying almost crawling into his skin now, and even with their awkward half-boners right now, it's juts normal and natural to close his arms around Wei Ying, and hold him closer, and bury his face in the crook of Wei Ying's neck, and nuzzle that spot behind his ear like he has wanted to for so long.]
If you promise you'll do the same for me.
[Because he'll mess up too. He holds himself to a high standard, and he knows he won't meet it every time. And even with their common feelings, he and Wei yin are very different people, and as much as they've learned to exist around one another after a few false starts, there will be a need for compromise, for learning limits, for knowing when to say no or stop.
A few wiggles, so that they can end up with him below and Wei Ying on top of him, held safely there.]
( It's awkward, not just boners being boners, but the wiggling and shuffling and the attempt to be a koala despite looking nothing like the animal in question. Still, he cooperates with Lan Zhan, until he is indeed settled on top of his chest and held instead of just as nicely caught under him, also held. It has nothing to do with immobility for him, and a lot to do with chosen contact, and he's already starting to time his breathing to work in concert with Lan Zhan's; in when out, out when in. )
I promise, of course I promise.
( It's not others he's ever harshest on, minus those who threaten the people he loves. For those he loves... so much in forgiveness, so much in endless chances, so much open to the pain of human relationships without a regret, in the end, except for not being enough for whatever moving target he's got in his head is the one that was necessary this time. )
Together.
( Weird thought, really strange. Not to say he doesn't understand or believe, he can do both, but it's... he's not used to it. He's used to giving people the room to walk away, the blessing to do so, and to only really have his older sister ever push back and tell him, in no uncertain terms, no.
But she's married, she's a mother, she can't be there in the way she once was, and after his pseudo falling out and fractured making up with his younger brother... hey, but it was his fault, ah? Probably. That's what he's felt, at least. )
[Wei Ying can absolutely be a koala whenever he wants, and Wangji will hold him always. Of that he is certain, because it feels at times like if he lets go, Wei Ying might just... disappear, and that's scary. So he'll hold on tight, as long as he's allowed to.
Their breathing synchronizing like that feels nice. Wei Ying's warm weight on top of him, lighter than what you'd expect for someone his size, feels good. He can still feel Wei Ying's heart beating fast, but it feels like he's calmed down now.
Well, a little. he still sounds a bit anxious.]
Hm? What is it?
Edited (hit post too fast.....) 2021-03-15 16:48 (UTC)
( He'd had a thought, but it's flitted away again, no more substantial than a butterfly fluttering through a garden. He ends up closing his eyes, nuzzling down against Lan Zhan, settling on a secondary truth: )
Just wanted to say your name.
( But why the questioning tone? He's calming down, and that's part of why he doesn't really know, exactly, what it is he'd wanted to ask. If he'd had the word, anyway, which he doubts from time to time that he does. This isn't the kind of thinking he's well versed in, not the kind of emotions he parses easily. )
Lan Zhan.
( Saying his name again, eyes sliding open. )
Lan Zhan.
( Annoying himself in his own reassurance, but it's being here, feeling him underneath, the way they breathe, the steadiness of his beating heart. )
[For every 'Lan Zhan', there is a small 'hm' of acknowledgement, but nothing more. Wangji simply waits to see if there will be more. Wei Ying needs a moment, and he can have it.
But hose last two words are puzzling, and Wangji turns his head a little to nuzzle Wei Ying's hair.]
Why are you thanking me?
[He hasn't really done anything worthy of thanks that he can see.]
( Is he supposed to have a ready explanation? That's difficult for him, when the words to explain what he feels aren't even ones he has in his vocabulary. At least not that he can find right now.
He tries to find an answer, not wanting to leave Lan Zhan without one, but all he ends up with is: )
For being here.
( Which is part of it, and also silly, they're at Lan Zhan's apartment after all, but... he grumbles, frustrated but by now calm enough the frustration ends just there: grumbling. )
( An overactive brain falling back on easier answers, or a lack thereof in the moment. He didn't know why he wanted to say thank you because emotional processing was so much harder for him than logical processing. Feeling things that touch on fragile and personal and lovely in a way he doesn't want to have leave is difficult. )
Yeah, well...
( He finally unburies his head, looks at Lan Zhan's face, presses a kiss to whatever he reaches first on that lovely, beloved visage. )
( Wei Wuxian, sadly, is also aware of his own opinions of himself, and idiot is not the word he generally applies. Nor what he means, when he says he was being one, because shutting down and not parsing how he feels, let alone how Lan Zhan has felt, ties into the self worth issues that have him settling his head down once more. )
Not going to mess up your sleep schedule, is it?
( Out of a presumption that sleepiness, like yawns, will catch. But he does close his eyes, tries not to think too hard on why this feels precious and breakable and reassuring for the warmth and steadiness of Lan Zhan's breathing, his heartbeat. He's at least aware of it now.
Still doesn't think he's worth it, but if Lan Zhan gives him the courtesy to decide for himself, he has to trust in the same for Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian doesn't need to know if he is or not. Only Lan Zhan does. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He nuzzles impossibly closer, practically speaking against Lan Zhan's skin, turning more and more into a limpet than a sexy lap straddling boyfriend. If it happens to be a touch closer to cuddling in its own way, it's all incidental. )
No, not bad. ( He shakes his head, reinforcing this fact. ) You're a very, very good person to me.
( And he needs a moment to just feel that, find the sting of it in his eyes and the stutter to his breathing, because this is not what he expected. Neither is it what he expects when he just sums it up as: )
You make it so hard not to love you, how's that fair!
( The crux of what's scared him all along, and the length of his denial. Loving anyone, Lan Zhan included, means being open to losing them. And that's scary; it's scary, and he hates it, this thing that could be entirely out of his control. At the same time, he loves him. )
no subject
I'm not going to apologize for that.
[He wasn't trying to make Wei Ying love him, after all. In fact, he spent a long time going out of his way not to, because he did not want to impose his feelings when it felt like Wei Ying simply wanted to be friends. Wangji wasn't sure how to be friends, but he tried his best.
But then, of course, everyone campus thinks they have bene dating for the last year and a half, so, you know, there is that.
But he's gotten to know Wei Ying in that time. Not the image he shows to everyone, the real Wei Ying. He's seen him in many places, under many circumstances. He's learned about his past too. So he can understand, in retrospect, the self-denial of his feelings because it was too scary and not something he wanted to deal with at the time.
But at the same time, he'd made his own decision to be true to his own feelings, and to treat Wei Ying with respect. And now Wei Ying has finally taken that leap and it's sort of dizzying, for both of them.
So he holds onto Wei Ying, nuzzles his cheek, rubs his back soothingly. And besides...]
You're the same, you know?
no subject
No, not really.
( He doesn't know. )
But I'm glad you say so.
( This time, when he leans in to kiss Lan Zhan, it's a slow, measured sort of kiss, lips parted, welcoming, asking. He doesn't see himself as loveable, or hard not to love. If anything, he's fairly sure he's the opposite, and it's only those with magnanimous enough hearts, like his sister's, who can love him in spite of himself.
But he doesn't have to understand it to accept it. Lan Zhan never speaks untrue. He says, you're the same, you know, and it becomes a truth for them both. He's ineffably thankful for that. )
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I'm saying it, and I think it, too.
[Maybe Wangji shouldn't say anything because it took him a long time to come to terms with his own feelings and decide what he was going to do with them as well, but he doesn't like Wei Ying disparaging himself.]
It's always been you. It couldn't have been anyone but you.
no subject
It takes shifting and rearranging to find any comfortable way to be laying like this, the blanket caught in a mess of itself, but Wei Wuxian allowing himself to be close and to all but cling and try, frankly, to capture one of Lan Zhan's legs between his if or when he shifts to accommodate this nonsense. His heart beats too fast, painful in a pleasant way, and he doesn't want to hide his face right now so much as hold Lan Zhan's close to his neck, by his rabbiting pulse. )
I'm going to mess up.
( He says this matter of fact, even if he's nerves, because he already has before, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care, that he won't try. )
I'll work on it, but just... Lan Zhan, I'll mess up.
( And he'll apologise, and he'll mess up, and he'll apologise again. The ways each time will be new, he's not that kind of idiot, but he doesn't know how else to say, please don't leave. )
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Wangji doesn't resist the tug or the tangling of limbs. He can feel Wei Ying's heartbeat, fast and beating against his ribcage like a trapped bird.
Once more, his hand find Wei Ying's back to rub it soothingly.]
Everyone messes up. As long as you're trying not to, it's all that matters.
no subject
... Okay, he wants to be held, and that's a weird new thing too, because while it's a nebulous idea in his head, and he's been hugged by both his siblings before, and by friends at various points, it's not like this. Not him trying to not so subtly barnacle onto Lan Zhan, holding him close, and wanting to be held, and not knowing how to ask for that. )
I'm not planning to try, but the best of plans... You'll tell me, right? If I'm messing up?
( It's not going to come out too late or with a cutting finality, is it? )
no subject
If you promise you'll do the same for me.
[Because he'll mess up too. He holds himself to a high standard, and he knows he won't meet it every time. And even with their common feelings, he and Wei yin are very different people, and as much as they've learned to exist around one another after a few false starts, there will be a need for compromise, for learning limits, for knowing when to say no or stop.
A few wiggles, so that they can end up with him below and Wei Ying on top of him, held safely there.]
We're in this together.
no subject
I promise, of course I promise.
( It's not others he's ever harshest on, minus those who threaten the people he loves. For those he loves... so much in forgiveness, so much in endless chances, so much open to the pain of human relationships without a regret, in the end, except for not being enough for whatever moving target he's got in his head is the one that was necessary this time. )
Together.
( Weird thought, really strange. Not to say he doesn't understand or believe, he can do both, but it's... he's not used to it. He's used to giving people the room to walk away, the blessing to do so, and to only really have his older sister ever push back and tell him, in no uncertain terms, no.
But she's married, she's a mother, she can't be there in the way she once was, and after his pseudo falling out and fractured making up with his younger brother... hey, but it was his fault, ah? Probably. That's what he's felt, at least. )
Lan Zhan?
no subject
Their breathing synchronizing like that feels nice. Wei Ying's warm weight on top of him, lighter than what you'd expect for someone his size, feels good. He can still feel Wei Ying's heart beating fast, but it feels like he's calmed down now.
Well, a little. he still sounds a bit anxious.]
Hm? What is it?
no subject
Just wanted to say your name.
( But why the questioning tone? He's calming down, and that's part of why he doesn't really know, exactly, what it is he'd wanted to ask. If he'd had the word, anyway, which he doubts from time to time that he does. This isn't the kind of thinking he's well versed in, not the kind of emotions he parses easily. )
Lan Zhan.
( Saying his name again, eyes sliding open. )
Lan Zhan.
( Annoying himself in his own reassurance, but it's being here, feeling him underneath, the way they breathe, the steadiness of his beating heart. )
Thank you.
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But hose last two words are puzzling, and Wangji turns his head a little to nuzzle Wei Ying's hair.]
Why are you thanking me?
[He hasn't really done anything worthy of thanks that he can see.]
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He tries to find an answer, not wanting to leave Lan Zhan without one, but all he ends up with is: )
For being here.
( Which is part of it, and also silly, they're at Lan Zhan's apartment after all, but... he grumbles, frustrated but by now calm enough the frustration ends just there: grumbling. )
I don't know, just thank you.
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You never need to thank me for being here.
[He wants to be here, after all.]
I waited a long time, but it was worth it.
but was waiting for this tag worth it--
Yeah, well...
( He finally unburies his head, looks at Lan Zhan's face, presses a kiss to whatever he reaches first on that lovely, beloved visage. )
I'm glad you did. Even if I was kind of an idiot.
yes it was..... lol
[He's not going to let you call yourself an idiot. He's well aware of the opinions of some people in their entourage, and he doesn't care.]
You needed to decide for yourself. It's fine.
[They've woken up not long ago and yet... the upheaval that was this morning clearly has taken a toll, because even Wangji feels tired.]
Rest a bit. You can nap if you want to.
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Not going to mess up your sleep schedule, is it?
( Out of a presumption that sleepiness, like yawns, will catch. But he does close his eyes, tries not to think too hard on why this feels precious and breakable and reassuring for the warmth and steadiness of Lan Zhan's breathing, his heartbeat. He's at least aware of it now.
Still doesn't think he's worth it, but if Lan Zhan gives him the courtesy to decide for himself, he has to trust in the same for Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian doesn't need to know if he is or not. Only Lan Zhan does. )
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[He can definitely be a pillow for however long it's needed. A warm solid, breathing pillow with a heartbeat that will hold onto Wei Ying.]