( srsly what's he supposed to say to any of this? he can't account for the strength of will and self that wen qing had shown years ago, had always known of herself: one of the woman he also admired most in the world, after jiang yanli. protecting just two people, them, is something he understands: jiang cheng's loyalties are close and tight and fierce, but that might be the crux of it. jiang cheng fought harder for the small circle, and wen qing saw too much of the larger context. she trusted in that, and wei wuxian was forced to face it and hope, too, and both of them had those hopes and faiths in an imperfect humanity crushed.
anyway, what's thinking? if jiang cheng can't get out of those thoughts, then force them out, with a different kind of violence of expectation: wei wuxian keeps his hand there, at jiang cheng's face, and abruptly and without warning leans in to press his forehead against his brother's. that, he feels, is shocking enough. )
I couldn't be at your side, Jiang Cheng, but I was always with you. Do you get that? It's unfair, but we're the same kind of fool, sacrificing for each other what neither of us would want the other man to give.
( he hesitates, because he does hate this, and it sounds in his voice, the more strangled note in it. he can't even hint at being light and unaffected, blithe or anything of the kind. he wishes he could. didn't yanli say that was his way, to smile through it, let the bad roll off him like water from a duck's back? is it letting her down to not carry that on here and now? )
I wanted to believe in so many things, Jiang Cheng, without having anything to back them. Justice, people's word, that staying silent and quiet in Yiling for that year meant people would start being less afraid. Then I walked right into what got our sister's husband killed. I couldn't keep Wen Qing and Wen Ning from turning themselves in, along with everyone else. I didn't know A-Yuan was left behind, when I ran after them, and all I found was the whole of the world I thought had to be better denouncing me for everything I hadn't yet done, and not for the things I had. When did it become a sin to defend myself? But if I'd been stronger, if I hadn't tried to find shijie, if I hadn't gone by Carp Tower before I went to Nightless City, she'd have been here still. That wasn't Jin Guangyao's doing. Shijie wouldn't have run there if it hadn't been for me. I got her killed, and I don't know how to make up for that, not now, not then.
( this is a really long and awkward speech to be having like this, but he makes himself talk, his tongue feeling heavy and tired in his mouth, chest feeling tight and heart squeezed beyond measure. )
When it came down to it, I was the one who broke under all that pressure, not you. So who was nothing, without someone by their side? It wasn't you, Jiang Cheng.
[ Jiang Cheng has never been able to let go of those closely guarded feelings, the intense jealousies that have clouded him from childhood to now. He thinks of the fact that now, with Jin Ling, with his family, with his connections, even now people will not choose him. Why would A-Ling come to him, Sect Leader Jiang, when Wei Wuxian is more interesting, more personable? He had sent fairy away. That was enough to show Jiang Cheng that Wei Wuxian was worming his way, even now.
But for all his irritation and all his jealousy he's not truly mad. He's sad, sad that his nephew can forgive and overcome boundaries far faster than he was ever able to do. Jiang Cheng has never been well-versed in forgiveness, for himself or for others, and that has not changed. He feels the burden of it as a leader, as a brother and as a father, no gentleness saved for any kindness towards himself. Why should he, when blame stands at his feet even now?
Hands shaking, he can barely look at Wei Wuxian, ashamed and broken all at the same time. (He has no mind to dwell on A-Yuan left behind, the small boy that had claimed his leg, not making the connection in his broken state -) ]
Wei Wuxian. You don't understand.
[ His breathing is a little more ragged now, trying to restrain tears even as he tries to swallow through the sobs in his throat. It's too much. ]
You were never nothing. You were everything.
[ Brother, disciple, friend, ally, saviour, hero - then enemy, villain, martyr. So many things that Jiang Cheng could never have hoped to be. So many things that he should have learned to be with his brother there to guide him, but it had slipped through his fingers as surely as his brother's hand had slipped through Lan Wangji's on the mountain. ]
I didn't keep chenqing for a joke. I kept it because I never wanted to let you go. I never chose that.
( Wei Wuxian cannot take that, not this close. All he can do is shift, pull his forehead away, and pull Jiang Cheng into his arms again, because he's both cold and hot right now, flushed and at the edge of tears, because it's too much, he's not worth this, but they both are. They both are. Shijie had always said so.
Easier to have faith in her, even now, than to believe himself in some things. He's never wanted to stop believing in Jiang Cheng, had defended him to Lan Zhan and Wen Ning, had made the excuses, and said he's not as harsh, he isn't, he's not just the sum of his worst parts.
And he's not. Neither of them are. But-- )
I never wanted to leave.
( He should have said more, but he clings, holds tight to his once upon a brother. He'd cut ties, wanting to spare him. Or more, opened up the possibility, dared Jiang Cheng to do it, challenged him to make that call.
They were both idiots. It makes him laugh, but in a choked up, half sobbing way, burying his head at Jiang Cheng's neck. )
Back then, I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't give up on them, I didn't feel like I could tell you to face off against the rest of anyone... I didn't want you to have to be stuck.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
barely changes this LMF i can't imagine wei wuxian figuring out comforting kisses if ur not 5
anyway, what's thinking? if jiang cheng can't get out of those thoughts, then force them out, with a different kind of violence of expectation: wei wuxian keeps his hand there, at jiang cheng's face, and abruptly and without warning leans in to press his forehead against his brother's. that, he feels, is shocking enough. )
I couldn't be at your side, Jiang Cheng, but I was always with you. Do you get that? It's unfair, but we're the same kind of fool, sacrificing for each other what neither of us would want the other man to give.
( he hesitates, because he does hate this, and it sounds in his voice, the more strangled note in it. he can't even hint at being light and unaffected, blithe or anything of the kind. he wishes he could. didn't yanli say that was his way, to smile through it, let the bad roll off him like water from a duck's back? is it letting her down to not carry that on here and now? )
I wanted to believe in so many things, Jiang Cheng, without having anything to back them. Justice, people's word, that staying silent and quiet in Yiling for that year meant people would start being less afraid. Then I walked right into what got our sister's husband killed. I couldn't keep Wen Qing and Wen Ning from turning themselves in, along with everyone else. I didn't know A-Yuan was left behind, when I ran after them, and all I found was the whole of the world I thought had to be better denouncing me for everything I hadn't yet done, and not for the things I had. When did it become a sin to defend myself? But if I'd been stronger, if I hadn't tried to find shijie, if I hadn't gone by Carp Tower before I went to Nightless City, she'd have been here still. That wasn't Jin Guangyao's doing. Shijie wouldn't have run there if it hadn't been for me. I got her killed, and I don't know how to make up for that, not now, not then.
( this is a really long and awkward speech to be having like this, but he makes himself talk, his tongue feeling heavy and tired in his mouth, chest feeling tight and heart squeezed beyond measure. )
When it came down to it, I was the one who broke under all that pressure, not you. So who was nothing, without someone by their side? It wasn't you, Jiang Cheng.
( it was me. )
that icon. ouch. also have some honesty
But for all his irritation and all his jealousy he's not truly mad. He's sad, sad that his nephew can forgive and overcome boundaries far faster than he was ever able to do. Jiang Cheng has never been well-versed in forgiveness, for himself or for others, and that has not changed. He feels the burden of it as a leader, as a brother and as a father, no gentleness saved for any kindness towards himself. Why should he, when blame stands at his feet even now?
Hands shaking, he can barely look at Wei Wuxian, ashamed and broken all at the same time. (He has no mind to dwell on A-Yuan left behind, the small boy that had claimed his leg, not making the connection in his broken state -) ]
Wei Wuxian. You don't understand.
[ His breathing is a little more ragged now, trying to restrain tears even as he tries to swallow through the sobs in his throat. It's too much. ]
You were never nothing. You were everything.
[ Brother, disciple, friend, ally, saviour, hero - then enemy, villain, martyr. So many things that Jiang Cheng could never have hoped to be. So many things that he should have learned to be with his brother there to guide him, but it had slipped through his fingers as surely as his brother's hand had slipped through Lan Wangji's on the mountain. ]
I didn't keep chenqing for a joke. I kept it because I never wanted to let you go. I never chose that.
HONESTY HURTS
Easier to have faith in her, even now, than to believe himself in some things. He's never wanted to stop believing in Jiang Cheng, had defended him to Lan Zhan and Wen Ning, had made the excuses, and said he's not as harsh, he isn't, he's not just the sum of his worst parts.
And he's not. Neither of them are. But-- )
I never wanted to leave.
( He should have said more, but he clings, holds tight to his once upon a brother. He'd cut ties, wanting to spare him. Or more, opened up the possibility, dared Jiang Cheng to do it, challenged him to make that call.
They were both idiots. It makes him laugh, but in a choked up, half sobbing way, burying his head at Jiang Cheng's neck. )
Back then, I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't give up on them, I didn't feel like I could tell you to face off against the rest of anyone... I didn't want you to have to be stuck.
( Like he was. )