Pointing out since you won't let me live that you're not just flirting with him, you're dating, he's choosing what he's indulging just like you're choosing how you want to be indulged. Right?
Sleeping with someone isn't the same as dating, casual hookups aren't commitments, blah blah blah, did you know I've personally been given this lecture before?
( see it's funny because it's not relevant--but was harped home into him over the years. so. )
Ha ha ha, shut up, and I won't bother mentioning I did too, though I'm rumoured to be an excellent lover and have no interest in correcting that information as it's one of the kinder things anyone says about me.
Imagine the poor person who will end up being the one finding out you're a virgin after they have heard all of those tall tales, though....
[But that question makes him pause. He's never paid much attention to his own turn-ons before, busy as he was playing a role for everyone around. he was good at pretending. And so, Wenzhou's way of riling him up might sound odd to most people.]
Hey, hey, hey, you mean the lucky person who likewise gets to join the circle of people who know the truth behind my wide application of flirtation skills! I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Oh, that... actually makes sense. Are you able to figure it out when he asks? Inquiring minds, free choice for yourself first your sake alone is starting to look like a bigger deal than I thought it was.
[Might be a little ham-handed to remind you again that there is someone right there who would cross the bridge with you or for you or whatever.
There's a longe pause again, before another answer comes. It's still difficult for Fei Du to look at his own face in the mirror and see what is behind the image he tries to project in any circumstances. But Wenzhou seems to managed to see through it every time.]
... It's not easy. Sometimes I have panic attacks because of it.
[Which is a trip when you're trying to have sex with your boyfriend, but anyway...]
( now that they're off the topic of his nonexistent but clearly not bothering him to be so sex life, they're... on the topic of his friend's very existing and somewhat complicated sex life? only he's not as worried about this knowing what he does about fei du's partner, it's still... )
He's been able to help you get through those?
( friend if you're having panic attacks over being asked to self examine for your own sake and not for fitting to anyone else...
anyway he's bringing fei du something nice to eat when he sees him on campus next, because feeding and compartmentalising are what he knows best. )
I don't know how to use words that would make sense here. He makes me feels safe, and that freaks me out.
[Because feeling safe is, still, a very alien feeling. And so this is why he sometimes starts to hyperventilate when he's curled up on the couch with Luo Yiguo lying next to him and purring.]
( there's so much more to unpack there than Wei Wuxian's qualified for, but other things lead into a certain kind of understanding, and, uh, well, frankly, he's a friend talking about many difficult things, so the least he can do is listen and try to find some kind of understanding. )
Trusting anything is actually safe and then finding you're in that place, I don't know. I'm not you, but I can understand why that's weird for you? You've never had that. Or the being seen for what you don't want people to see, that's, uh, uncomfortable? When you're used to it being another way. Good all around, I think, Wenzhou is the kind of person that makes it okay, for you, so... Good luck.
[There is a whole lot to unpack, which Fei Du's therapists never managed to even graze.
He can tell, though, that his friend is choosing his words carefully. Wei Wuxian knows how to do that when things are important.]
It's weird, right? I know it's weird. But... he's letting me be weird, and he's there when I freak out or when I crash afterwards.
Most days, I still don't know quite what to think. I did a lot of... not so nice things to him in the course of last year, but he didn't push me away. he didn't let me off the hook for them either, but he didn't let me use them to hide and walk away.
Yes, it's weird. It's your weird, which is different from my weird, which is different from whatever Wenzhou's weird is. Some of our weirds are the things we're working through, if we know it or not.
( Trauma, he doesn't need it spelled out as such, is one of the lurking creatures. Coming out for reasons that seem obvious, and those that don't. He's no less "weird" in his own ways, but as far as he observes, that's what normal really is. People figuring out their weirds in ways that let them keep going--and to better than that, if they can. )
I don't know, I guess that's what people need sometimes. The ones that we lash out at in whatever way, or use, or manipulate, or put any word you want to name the kind of unkind you're being, knowingly or not... being held to it, and being accepted even with it, and not tossed aside. Weird stuff there, too, ah?
The first time he actually earnestly confessed to me, I just... I panicked so badly, I just told him I wasn't capable of loving someone and that I wasn't interested in him that way.
And that was after he'd brought me to live with him and had told his parents he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and we'd been sleeping together for a little while by then. I had even told him I loved him, but I think he knew I wasn't saying it because I meant it, but because I was trying to see how far I could push.
I thought I should leave after that and go back to living in my own place, but he stopped me before I could go. Literally grabbed me by my collar, and tied my hands up with my scarf, and told me to stop my bullshit and that he wasn't letting me run away.
[He still has cold sweats when he remembers that night. The way everything came spilling out of his own twisted gut.]
I had a really bad panic attack that night, and he held me through it and I just... told him everything. About my father and what he put my mother through. And then he... sort of made me admit that yes, I had feelings for him too.
My hands are shaking just telling the story again.
( Uh, this sounds like one of those actions speak louder or more accurately than words, and that is something he knows not only from himself but the people around him. Hell, his brother has a divorce from his mouth and knee jerk reactions compared to what he's really feeling. At. All. Times. Or close enough that it's simply part of who he is.
And he, too, didn't come out of nowhere, but it's all people living their different lives and surviving their different demons in the process. )
Fei-xiong, thank you for deciding to share. I don't know what you think, or feel, outside of what you say or react like, so leaving that aside... someone you can push against who doesn't cave, or leave, or decide you're not worth it, that's no one worth staying around.
So I'm happy for you, having Wenzhou understand the shit you've been through and are still going through, but not... I don't know, he's a cat guy, not letting you scratch all up and down him without telling you which ones weren't necessary as he's bandaging you both up. I know my way of dealing with things is largely choosing to forget most of them, but as some people--you--like to remind me, it's not gone, or dealt with, and sometimes those things crawl back out to poke at you when you don't expect.
This is why I'm not a Chinese literature major, by the way, I am not the one for metaphors or puns when it comes to these things.
[Because Wenzhou understands, because he understands Fei Du on deep, fundamental level. But who else could do that? And yet... something clicked in Fei Du when he met Wei Wuxian, someone kind of kinship, an understanding that the smiles, the cheerfulness, were hiding something hurtful and difficult and a little dangerous.
( There's a lot of things that Wei Wuxian does not examine about himself, because they simply exists, these truths, and that won't change through self examination. But he can at least: )
You're welcome, for the listening? You know what I mean, I'll listen anytime you want to speak.
Just, you know, know you're not alone in having things which kind of don't seem like a big deal but might actually be a big deal and might not be all that healthy or understandable to most people around you. That's all.
( He himself is slowly... examining things, but still a far distance from not saying all of them casually, in ways Fei Du certainly will recognise. But he does feel, odd as it is, he can say those things to Fei Du over time, and it won't be the worst thing, that sharing. )
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[Okay, so it wasn't dating, but still...]
I still can fluster him easily enough with minimal effort, so...
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( see it's funny because it's not relevant--but was harped home into him over the years. so. )
Isn't that the most fun part though?
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And yes, it's definitely the fun part.
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And when no one's complaining...
So how does he rile you up?
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[But that question makes him pause. He's never paid much attention to his own turn-ons before, busy as he was playing a role for everyone around. he was good at pretending. And so, Wenzhou's way of riling him up might sound odd to most people.]
... he tries to make me ask for what I want.
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Oh, that... actually makes sense. Are you able to figure it out when he asks? Inquiring minds, free choice for yourself first your sake alone is starting to look like a bigger deal than I thought it was.
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[Might be a little ham-handed to remind you again that there is someone right there who would cross the bridge with you or for you or whatever.
There's a longe pause again, before another answer comes. It's still difficult for Fei Du to look at his own face in the mirror and see what is behind the image he tries to project in any circumstances. But Wenzhou seems to managed to see through it every time.]
... It's not easy. Sometimes I have panic attacks because of it.
[Which is a trip when you're trying to have sex with your boyfriend, but anyway...]
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He's been able to help you get through those?
( friend if you're having panic attacks over being asked to self examine for your own sake and not for fitting to anyone else...
anyway he's bringing fei du something nice to eat when he sees him on campus next, because feeding and compartmentalising are what he knows best. )
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I don't know how to use words that would make sense here. He makes me feels safe, and that freaks me out.
[Because feeling safe is, still, a very alien feeling. And so this is why he sometimes starts to hyperventilate when he's curled up on the couch with Luo Yiguo lying next to him and purring.]
And he's known me too long, so I can't... hide.
[Or at least, not anymore.]
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Trusting anything is actually safe and then finding you're in that place, I don't know. I'm not you, but I can understand why that's weird for you? You've never had that. Or the being seen for what you don't want people to see, that's, uh, uncomfortable? When you're used to it being another way. Good all around, I think, Wenzhou is the kind of person that makes it okay, for you, so... Good luck.
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He can tell, though, that his friend is choosing his words carefully. Wei Wuxian knows how to do that when things are important.]
It's weird, right? I know it's weird. But... he's letting me be weird, and he's there when I freak out or when I crash afterwards.
Most days, I still don't know quite what to think. I did a lot of... not so nice things to him in the course of last year, but he didn't push me away. he didn't let me off the hook for them either, but he didn't let me use them to hide and walk away.
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( Trauma, he doesn't need it spelled out as such, is one of the lurking creatures. Coming out for reasons that seem obvious, and those that don't. He's no less "weird" in his own ways, but as far as he observes, that's what normal really is. People figuring out their weirds in ways that let them keep going--and to better than that, if they can. )
I don't know, I guess that's what people need sometimes. The ones that we lash out at in whatever way, or use, or manipulate, or put any word you want to name the kind of unkind you're being, knowingly or not... being held to it, and being accepted even with it, and not tossed aside. Weird stuff there, too, ah?
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The first time he actually earnestly confessed to me, I just... I panicked so badly, I just told him I wasn't capable of loving someone and that I wasn't interested in him that way.
And that was after he'd brought me to live with him and had told his parents he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and we'd been sleeping together for a little while by then. I had even told him I loved him, but I think he knew I wasn't saying it because I meant it, but because I was trying to see how far I could push.
I thought I should leave after that and go back to living in my own place, but he stopped me before I could go. Literally grabbed me by my collar, and tied my hands up with my scarf, and told me to stop my bullshit and that he wasn't letting me run away.
[He still has cold sweats when he remembers that night. The way everything came spilling out of his own twisted gut.]
I had a really bad panic attack that night, and he held me through it and I just... told him everything. About my father and what he put my mother through. And then he... sort of made me admit that yes, I had feelings for him too.
My hands are shaking just telling the story again.
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And he, too, didn't come out of nowhere, but it's all people living their different lives and surviving their different demons in the process. )
Fei-xiong, thank you for deciding to share. I don't know what you think, or feel, outside of what you say or react like, so leaving that aside... someone you can push against who doesn't cave, or leave, or decide you're not worth it, that's no one worth staying around.
So I'm happy for you, having Wenzhou understand the shit you've been through and are still going through, but not... I don't know, he's a cat guy, not letting you scratch all up and down him without telling you which ones weren't necessary as he's bandaging you both up. I know my way of dealing with things is largely choosing to forget most of them, but as some people--you--like to remind me, it's not gone, or dealt with, and sometimes those things crawl back out to poke at you when you don't expect.
This is why I'm not a Chinese literature major, by the way, I am not the one for metaphors or puns when it comes to these things.
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[A long pause.]
It's the first time I tell this story to anyone.
[Because Wenzhou understands, because he understands Fei Du on deep, fundamental level. But who else could do that? And yet... something clicked in Fei Du when he met Wei Wuxian, someone kind of kinship, an understanding that the smiles, the cheerfulness, were hiding something hurtful and difficult and a little dangerous.
A kindred spirit of sorts.]
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You're welcome, for the listening? You know what I mean, I'll listen anytime you want to speak.
Just, you know, know you're not alone in having things which kind of don't seem like a big deal but might actually be a big deal and might not be all that healthy or understandable to most people around you. That's all.
( He himself is slowly... examining things, but still a far distance from not saying all of them casually, in ways Fei Du certainly will recognise. But he does feel, odd as it is, he can say those things to Fei Du over time, and it won't be the worst thing, that sharing. )
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And I can listen too.
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When I can remember to talk, then. I'll find you.