( Cuddling, of course, also has that whole angle of: what the fuck is involved with it? He can think of platonic cuddling with kids, at least, that's simple. You're the frame they climb over or curl up on and snooze. How does that work with two adults?
He decides to stop thinking hard on it, since he's resolving nothing, and just smiles and accepts the hand held out to him. Only when he goes down, he ends up putting a knee on the couch to the outside of Lan Zhan's leg, and rather than just straight up sit in his lap, straddles his lap facing him.
Then pulling the blanket around with his arms as he hooks them around Lan Zhan's neck and rests his forehead against his. It's an enclosed space, arms and legs and blanket framing Lan Zhan in Wei Wuxian's embrace, and he likes it.
This is probably cuddling, he figures, shy of curling up on Lan Zhan's chest or something, which is more like watching a movie or a fire or fireworks, whatever made sense. Right now, all he wants to do is watch Lan Zhan. )
( He doesn't believe himself to have missed out on anything: he's clearly getting a helping of it here and now. He chuckles, smiling into Lan Zhan's kiss, bringing a hand up to the back of Lan Zhan's neck, rubbing at the small hairs he found there. One stolen kiss, and all he wants to do is steal one in turn, and so he angles to steal a deeper kiss, sliding forward a fraction in Lan Zhan's lap, the blanket precarious around his shoulders and starting to slide down.
Cuddling. He is so working on cuddling right now. )
[That hand at the back of his neck is bringing out shivers and goosebumps, but in a pleasant way.
And listen, making out is basically cuddling with kisses, right? So that's fine, obviously. Because Wangji doesn't want to stop kissing Wei Ying right now.
The blanket falling off is just an excuse to put his arms more frankly around Wei Ying and hoist him closer.
He's not sure how long they keep kissing, but when they finally separate long enough, he feels slightly breathless and his ears are flushed.]
( Maybe minutes, or decades, passed, Wei Wuxian isn't keeping track. There's just Lan Zhan, warm and firm beneath and against him, his lips, his hands, and completely absent thoughts, all his considerable intellect brought down to a series of reactions akin to "good" and "more" and "I like" paired with a fizzling pleasure whenever Lan Zhan made his own pleasures known.
He's greedy, in some part of himself he pretends usually doesn't exist, that knows wanting anything not fleeting by nature is dooming ones self to uncertain futures and unhappy ends. He doesn't linger on thoughts like those, and shies away from implications; hence why it'd taken him so long coming to this point.
He almost starts thinking again when they part lips, finally, for a period of time enough that he can cup the side of Lan Zhan's face and study him from too close to be comfortable, unconsciously licking his lips. He feels the heat at Lan Zhan's ears rather than sees it. He's as breathless, and blushing himself. Also flushed from it all, eyes dark and bright at the same time. )
Does cuddling usually involve tongues?
( A crooked smile, and a huff of laughter, because ah, yes, this. No regrets. No lack of response further south, either, but he'd have to be far less responsive a person than he appears to be to be unstirred by their kissing, their proximity, and the look on Lan Zhan's face. )
[Wei ying's smile is so beautiful. He's so pretty like this, cheeks flushed, eyes slightly wide in wonder.
Somehow, Wangji's hands have found their way under the t-shirt, stroking the warm skin on Wei Ying's sides.]
... I don't know. It's my first time.
[But don't worry, Wei Ying, you're definitely not the only one who is stirred. And well, Wangji is only wearing what he wears around the house before he gets dressed, aka slightly lose cotton lounge pants and a long-sleeved white cotton t-shirt, so really there's nothing much preventing the 'response' from being felt.]
( He can feel that response, amused by it the same way one might be amused at something they know as a fact which doesn't, at the same time, tempt them to worry over it. He does squirm down, a provocation that goes to stillness because he's not actually trying to take things anywhere that level of suggestive, instead leaning down again to kiss Lan Zhan's cheek, above his brow, a slow and wondering sort of peppering of affection he has not allowed himself... ever, really. Slightly turned on, very present in the moment, and having failed cuddling one-oh-one, Wei Wuxian's not all that perturbed. He is, instead, half smiling. )
Mm, guess that makes two of us.
( For all his implied talked game, he's never been casually intimate with people beyond words. )
Seems like this can work for us, though.
( Leaning back without sitting back, both hands cradling Lan Zhan's face as his skin shivers under Lan Zhan's touch. He uses the pads of his thumbs to trace Lan Zhan's cheekbones, blinking down at him slowly, slower than he'd been kissing him a moment before. )
[There's a sucked-in breath at the squirm, and then Wangji's eyes fluttering close at the butterfly kisses all over his face... until those words and then Wangji actually looks surprised.]
... You kept boasting about girls all the time.
[And he's literally seen you flirt to get free food before, so... yes, he's definitely surprised.]
( cue the semi awkward laugh as he glances to the side, red dusting his cheeks more evidently. he fidgets, which is far more suggestive when straddling his boyfriend's lap, fingers distractedly combing through Lan Zhan's hair. )
Mmm, people have all kinds of expectations, you know? It's not something that's come up.
( glossing past that it's not something that's come up in a context where he was willing to respond--people have tried gifting or stealing kisses before, but hadn't succeeded. Lan Zhan might guess the why when Wei Wuxian is far less fickle and far harder to pin down than his general nature would lead most to, semi correctly, believe. )
You? You're way too handsome to have never--
( he's exactly the kind of stubborn who might have never, on there other hand. making out and cuddling being their own newness, sure, but any kisses? )
[So that was all talk, huh. Somehow, this is both surprising and not, because Wei Ying is the kind of person that will boast until the end of times, but he is also a very handsome man, and cute, and gorgeous, and Wangji is pretty sure there are a lot of boys and girls on campus who would have loved nothing more than a chance at him.
Bu it's true that Wei Ying is... slippery. Also a lot more shy than most people would believe.
But then Wei Ying turns the question on him, and he shakes his head.]
... Never. There was never anyone I liked enough to do that before.
( Boasting is easy, and he boasts about true things, too! Relationships, however, were empty talk he never minded either way, because most of what anyone else boasted about was as empty. The fact he never wanted messy entanglements, guarded his heart far more closely than people largely realised, is and has been afraid of commitment in a way hard to describe when it gets dismissed as being typical for any young man made a loud person very simply quiet on this.
That he's red across his face right now, that he laughs as a form of almost anxious release and relief, that he shifts and rests his forehead against Lan Zhan's again, well. That's building bridges. The kissing is easier than this, actually. Action always is. )
Never? Lan Zhan, you romantic fool.
( Said fondly, with his eyes closed, thumbs stroking over Lan Zhan's skin. )
No other crushes? Not even when you were Xiao Zhan?
( He opens his eyes then, staring way too closely at Lan Zhan's face given he's not attempted to move his head again. )
[He actually thinks about this, for a few, long seconds, before he shakes his head again.]
No. No one else.
[Just you, and your loud exclamations and your bright smiles and your easygoing attitude, barreling into his life.
And now sitting on his lap, flushed, slightly breathless, and your hands on him, and he likes that. Likes how easily his own hands close around your waist and hips, how easy it is to just hike up the shirt to touch skin and stroke your side.]
( Is it the words, the touch, or both that leaves his skin pebbled with gooseflesh, has him breathing in and shivering like a leaf in a persistent, prevalent breeze? Or all of it, Wei Wuxian swallowing and smiling as he starts to laugh, overwhelmed in a more pleasant way. )
Yeah, well, looks like that makes two of us.
( However different the reasons, leading to the same results. He leans in and kisses him again, barely shifting to do it, but softer, less about chasing after any thought, more outright affection. When he pulls his head back to look at Lan Zhan, threading fingers through his hair, a hint of green in the corner of his eye finally pulls his attention. Speaking, he glances to the side: )
I didn't expect you had... why does that plant look familiar?
[That... kind of came out of nowhere, and it takes Wangji, still rather happily fuzzy-brained about the kissing, a few seconds before he follows Wei Ying's line of sight and thoughts. Wei Ying's brain always seems to jump from one thing to another, seemingly without logic at times.
As it is, he's not quite sure what Wei Ying is surprised about here.]
... It's the plant you bought me that time I came over. The time you banged your head on the floor? You said it was a present.
[So he took it with him when he left, and he's been caring for it, and now there are some flowerbuds on it.]
( He hadn't thought hard on it at all, but it'd been a nuisance, and now it's... flowering? For some reason all the cuddling juxtaposed against this stupid plant he'd impulse bought (at some consideration, but he hadn't planned ahead to buy that plant) for him and now it's here and...
He laughs, burying his head back into the crook of Lan Zhan's neck. )
You got the stupid thing to flower.
( His heart feels ridiculously full right now, which might explain how he's more... hugging onto Lan Wangji's neck than not, at this point. )
[It's a plant, and he loves plants. And also you bought it for him. It was a present. For him, from you. So he'd understood it as he was supposed to bring it back home with it and he did, and once it was there, he wasn't going to let it die, was he? Not a present from you.
He returns the hug, rubbing Wei Ying's back as he seems suddenly overwhelmed.]
( Overwhelmed by the warmth he feels, and the warmth that gives him. It's... something he's really only gotten to this degree from his shijie before, that acceptance and the caretaking of the things he fumbles his way through because they did have meaning.
He nuzzles impossibly closer, practically speaking against Lan Zhan's skin, turning more and more into a limpet than a sexy lap straddling boyfriend. If it happens to be a touch closer to cuddling in its own way, it's all incidental. )
No, not bad. ( He shakes his head, reinforcing this fact. ) You're a very, very good person to me.
( And he needs a moment to just feel that, find the sting of it in his eyes and the stutter to his breathing, because this is not what he expected. Neither is it what he expects when he just sums it up as: )
You make it so hard not to love you, how's that fair!
( The crux of what's scared him all along, and the length of his denial. Loving anyone, Lan Zhan included, means being open to losing them. And that's scary; it's scary, and he hates it, this thing that could be entirely out of his control. At the same time, he loves him. )
[Wangji's arms tighten around Wei Ying, to give him that bit of grounding.]
I'm not going to apologize for that.
[He wasn't trying to make Wei Ying love him, after all. In fact, he spent a long time going out of his way not to, because he did not want to impose his feelings when it felt like Wei Ying simply wanted to be friends. Wangji wasn't sure how to be friends, but he tried his best.
But then, of course, everyone campus thinks they have bene dating for the last year and a half, so, you know, there is that.
But he's gotten to know Wei Ying in that time. Not the image he shows to everyone, the real Wei Ying. He's seen him in many places, under many circumstances. He's learned about his past too. So he can understand, in retrospect, the self-denial of his feelings because it was too scary and not something he wanted to deal with at the time.
But at the same time, he'd made his own decision to be true to his own feelings, and to treat Wei Ying with respect. And now Wei Ying has finally taken that leap and it's sort of dizzying, for both of them.
So he holds onto Wei Ying, nuzzles his cheek, rubs his back soothingly. And besides...]
( He snorts at that, but he's smiling, nuzzles back into Lan Zhan's cheek and finally, pulling his head back to look him fully in the face. )
No, not really.
( He doesn't know. )
But I'm glad you say so.
( This time, when he leans in to kiss Lan Zhan, it's a slow, measured sort of kiss, lips parted, welcoming, asking. He doesn't see himself as loveable, or hard not to love. If anything, he's fairly sure he's the opposite, and it's only those with magnanimous enough hearts, like his sister's, who can love him in spite of himself.
But he doesn't have to understand it to accept it. Lan Zhan never speaks untrue. He says, you're the same, you know, and it becomes a truth for them both. He's ineffably thankful for that. )
[One thing Wangji will never understand is how no one seems to see Wei Ying quite the way he does : a hardworking, charming person, who hides his fears and insecurities behind a bright smile and tries not to worry anyone, and seems to value himself so much less than anyone else around him ; a young man capable of protesting he's adorable and deserves to be given free food while in the same breath thinking that no one smart and beautiful could ever be interested in him because clearly, he's a disaster ; a person confident in his own smarts where his research is concerned, but almost willingly obtuse with matters of the heart because they scare him.]
I'm saying it, and I think it, too.
[Maybe Wangji shouldn't say anything because it took him a long time to come to terms with his own feelings and decide what he was going to do with them as well, but he doesn't like Wei Ying disparaging himself.]
It's always been you. It couldn't have been anyone but you.
( Honey sweet words, but overwhelming, too, because Lan Zhan does not lie by direct obscuration, and it's so much, to make Wei Wuxian into someone's all and everything. His response is to go still, freezing for a moment, a contained shiver: then he shifts to the side, tugs Lan Zhan with him so that they're falling sideways on the couch, the whole awkward length of it and its hidden depths with tangled limbs. (He assumes there are some. Couches are voids for change and lip balm and everything else that might fit into a pocket, then find itself mysteriously liberated from its depths.
It takes shifting and rearranging to find any comfortable way to be laying like this, the blanket caught in a mess of itself, but Wei Wuxian allowing himself to be close and to all but cling and try, frankly, to capture one of Lan Zhan's legs between his if or when he shifts to accommodate this nonsense. His heart beats too fast, painful in a pleasant way, and he doesn't want to hide his face right now so much as hold Lan Zhan's close to his neck, by his rabbiting pulse. )
I'm going to mess up.
( He says this matter of fact, even if he's nerves, because he already has before, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care, that he won't try. )
I'll work on it, but just... Lan Zhan, I'll mess up.
( And he'll apologise, and he'll mess up, and he'll apologise again. The ways each time will be new, he's not that kind of idiot, but he doesn't know how else to say, please don't leave. )
( Badumbadmbadum, a drumbeat in his ears. The touch at his back is indeed soothing, and he sighs, pressing himself closer, just to not let himself think harder than his racing brain is trying. He was turned on just a moment ago, but now is time for confusion boners, and he's grumbling about that to himself too, because those are far less fun and he doesn't want to deal with it now. He just wants to be...
... Okay, he wants to be held, and that's a weird new thing too, because while it's a nebulous idea in his head, and he's been hugged by both his siblings before, and by friends at various points, it's not like this. Not him trying to not so subtly barnacle onto Lan Zhan, holding him close, and wanting to be held, and not knowing how to ask for that. )
I'm not planning to try, but the best of plans... You'll tell me, right? If I'm messing up?
( It's not going to come out too late or with a cutting finality, is it? )
[he has Wei Ying almost crawling into his skin now, and even with their awkward half-boners right now, it's juts normal and natural to close his arms around Wei Ying, and hold him closer, and bury his face in the crook of Wei Ying's neck, and nuzzle that spot behind his ear like he has wanted to for so long.]
If you promise you'll do the same for me.
[Because he'll mess up too. He holds himself to a high standard, and he knows he won't meet it every time. And even with their common feelings, he and Wei yin are very different people, and as much as they've learned to exist around one another after a few false starts, there will be a need for compromise, for learning limits, for knowing when to say no or stop.
A few wiggles, so that they can end up with him below and Wei Ying on top of him, held safely there.]
( It's awkward, not just boners being boners, but the wiggling and shuffling and the attempt to be a koala despite looking nothing like the animal in question. Still, he cooperates with Lan Zhan, until he is indeed settled on top of his chest and held instead of just as nicely caught under him, also held. It has nothing to do with immobility for him, and a lot to do with chosen contact, and he's already starting to time his breathing to work in concert with Lan Zhan's; in when out, out when in. )
I promise, of course I promise.
( It's not others he's ever harshest on, minus those who threaten the people he loves. For those he loves... so much in forgiveness, so much in endless chances, so much open to the pain of human relationships without a regret, in the end, except for not being enough for whatever moving target he's got in his head is the one that was necessary this time. )
Together.
( Weird thought, really strange. Not to say he doesn't understand or believe, he can do both, but it's... he's not used to it. He's used to giving people the room to walk away, the blessing to do so, and to only really have his older sister ever push back and tell him, in no uncertain terms, no.
But she's married, she's a mother, she can't be there in the way she once was, and after his pseudo falling out and fractured making up with his younger brother... hey, but it was his fault, ah? Probably. That's what he's felt, at least. )
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He decides to stop thinking hard on it, since he's resolving nothing, and just smiles and accepts the hand held out to him. Only when he goes down, he ends up putting a knee on the couch to the outside of Lan Zhan's leg, and rather than just straight up sit in his lap, straddles his lap facing him.
Then pulling the blanket around with his arms as he hooks them around Lan Zhan's neck and rests his forehead against his. It's an enclosed space, arms and legs and blanket framing Lan Zhan in Wei Wuxian's embrace, and he likes it.
This is probably cuddling, he figures, shy of curling up on Lan Zhan's chest or something, which is more like watching a movie or a fire or fireworks, whatever made sense. Right now, all he wants to do is watch Lan Zhan. )
Comfortable?
( He asks, lips curling up in a smile. )
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With their faces close like this, it's easy to move just a little to rub their noses together like bunnies.]
Hm.
[Yes, this is comfortable. Very comfortable. He likes it. See what you've been missing out on now, Wei Ying?
It's fine if Wei Ying wants to watch him. He's been watching Wei Ying for so long now, and he doesn't think he could get tired of it.
Can he steal a kiss, now that they're officially dating? He's sure this is a thing people who are dating do, so he's just going to do that.]
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Cuddling. He is so working on cuddling right now. )
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And listen, making out is basically cuddling with kisses, right? So that's fine, obviously. Because Wangji doesn't want to stop kissing Wei Ying right now.
The blanket falling off is just an excuse to put his arms more frankly around Wei Ying and hoist him closer.
He's not sure how long they keep kissing, but when they finally separate long enough, he feels slightly breathless and his ears are flushed.]
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He's greedy, in some part of himself he pretends usually doesn't exist, that knows wanting anything not fleeting by nature is dooming ones self to uncertain futures and unhappy ends. He doesn't linger on thoughts like those, and shies away from implications; hence why it'd taken him so long coming to this point.
He almost starts thinking again when they part lips, finally, for a period of time enough that he can cup the side of Lan Zhan's face and study him from too close to be comfortable, unconsciously licking his lips. He feels the heat at Lan Zhan's ears rather than sees it. He's as breathless, and blushing himself. Also flushed from it all, eyes dark and bright at the same time. )
Does cuddling usually involve tongues?
( A crooked smile, and a huff of laughter, because ah, yes, this. No regrets. No lack of response further south, either, but he'd have to be far less responsive a person than he appears to be to be unstirred by their kissing, their proximity, and the look on Lan Zhan's face. )
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Somehow, Wangji's hands have found their way under the t-shirt, stroking the warm skin on Wei Ying's sides.]
... I don't know. It's my first time.
[But don't worry, Wei Ying, you're definitely not the only one who is stirred. And well, Wangji is only wearing what he wears around the house before he gets dressed, aka slightly lose cotton lounge pants and a long-sleeved white cotton t-shirt, so really there's nothing much preventing the 'response' from being felt.]
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Mm, guess that makes two of us.
( For all his implied talked game, he's never been casually intimate with people beyond words. )
Seems like this can work for us, though.
( Leaning back without sitting back, both hands cradling Lan Zhan's face as his skin shivers under Lan Zhan's touch. He uses the pads of his thumbs to trace Lan Zhan's cheekbones, blinking down at him slowly, slower than he'd been kissing him a moment before. )
Is that okay?
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... You kept boasting about girls all the time.
[And he's literally seen you flirt to get free food before, so... yes, he's definitely surprised.]
You've never kissed anyone before?
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Mmm, people have all kinds of expectations, you know? It's not something that's come up.
( glossing past that it's not something that's come up in a context where he was willing to respond--people have tried gifting or stealing kisses before, but hadn't succeeded. Lan Zhan might guess the why when Wei Wuxian is far less fickle and far harder to pin down than his general nature would lead most to, semi correctly, believe. )
You? You're way too handsome to have never--
( he's exactly the kind of stubborn who might have never, on there other hand. making out and cuddling being their own newness, sure, but any kisses? )
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Bu it's true that Wei Ying is... slippery. Also a lot more shy than most people would believe.
But then Wei Ying turns the question on him, and he shakes his head.]
... Never. There was never anyone I liked enough to do that before.
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That he's red across his face right now, that he laughs as a form of almost anxious release and relief, that he shifts and rests his forehead against Lan Zhan's again, well. That's building bridges. The kissing is easier than this, actually. Action always is. )
Never? Lan Zhan, you romantic fool.
( Said fondly, with his eyes closed, thumbs stroking over Lan Zhan's skin. )
No other crushes? Not even when you were Xiao Zhan?
( He opens his eyes then, staring way too closely at Lan Zhan's face given he's not attempted to move his head again. )
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No. No one else.
[Just you, and your loud exclamations and your bright smiles and your easygoing attitude, barreling into his life.
And now sitting on his lap, flushed, slightly breathless, and your hands on him, and he likes that. Likes how easily his own hands close around your waist and hips, how easy it is to just hike up the shirt to touch skin and stroke your side.]
Just you.
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Yeah, well, looks like that makes two of us.
( However different the reasons, leading to the same results. He leans in and kisses him again, barely shifting to do it, but softer, less about chasing after any thought, more outright affection. When he pulls his head back to look at Lan Zhan, threading fingers through his hair, a hint of green in the corner of his eye finally pulls his attention. Speaking, he glances to the side: )
I didn't expect you had... why does that plant look familiar?
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As it is, he's not quite sure what Wei Ying is surprised about here.]
... It's the plant you bought me that time I came over. The time you banged your head on the floor? You said it was a present.
[So he took it with him when he left, and he's been caring for it, and now there are some flowerbuds on it.]
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( He hadn't thought hard on it at all, but it'd been a nuisance, and now it's... flowering? For some reason all the cuddling juxtaposed against this stupid plant he'd impulse bought (at some consideration, but he hadn't planned ahead to buy that plant) for him and now it's here and...
He laughs, burying his head back into the crook of Lan Zhan's neck. )
You got the stupid thing to flower.
( His heart feels ridiculously full right now, which might explain how he's more... hugging onto Lan Wangji's neck than not, at this point. )
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[It's a plant, and he loves plants. And also you bought it for him. It was a present. For him, from you. So he'd understood it as he was supposed to bring it back home with it and he did, and once it was there, he wasn't going to let it die, was he? Not a present from you.
He returns the hug, rubbing Wei Ying's back as he seems suddenly overwhelmed.]
I took care of it. It's not a bad thing, is it?
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He nuzzles impossibly closer, practically speaking against Lan Zhan's skin, turning more and more into a limpet than a sexy lap straddling boyfriend. If it happens to be a touch closer to cuddling in its own way, it's all incidental. )
No, not bad. ( He shakes his head, reinforcing this fact. ) You're a very, very good person to me.
( And he needs a moment to just feel that, find the sting of it in his eyes and the stutter to his breathing, because this is not what he expected. Neither is it what he expects when he just sums it up as: )
You make it so hard not to love you, how's that fair!
( The crux of what's scared him all along, and the length of his denial. Loving anyone, Lan Zhan included, means being open to losing them. And that's scary; it's scary, and he hates it, this thing that could be entirely out of his control. At the same time, he loves him. )
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I'm not going to apologize for that.
[He wasn't trying to make Wei Ying love him, after all. In fact, he spent a long time going out of his way not to, because he did not want to impose his feelings when it felt like Wei Ying simply wanted to be friends. Wangji wasn't sure how to be friends, but he tried his best.
But then, of course, everyone campus thinks they have bene dating for the last year and a half, so, you know, there is that.
But he's gotten to know Wei Ying in that time. Not the image he shows to everyone, the real Wei Ying. He's seen him in many places, under many circumstances. He's learned about his past too. So he can understand, in retrospect, the self-denial of his feelings because it was too scary and not something he wanted to deal with at the time.
But at the same time, he'd made his own decision to be true to his own feelings, and to treat Wei Ying with respect. And now Wei Ying has finally taken that leap and it's sort of dizzying, for both of them.
So he holds onto Wei Ying, nuzzles his cheek, rubs his back soothingly. And besides...]
You're the same, you know?
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No, not really.
( He doesn't know. )
But I'm glad you say so.
( This time, when he leans in to kiss Lan Zhan, it's a slow, measured sort of kiss, lips parted, welcoming, asking. He doesn't see himself as loveable, or hard not to love. If anything, he's fairly sure he's the opposite, and it's only those with magnanimous enough hearts, like his sister's, who can love him in spite of himself.
But he doesn't have to understand it to accept it. Lan Zhan never speaks untrue. He says, you're the same, you know, and it becomes a truth for them both. He's ineffably thankful for that. )
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I'm saying it, and I think it, too.
[Maybe Wangji shouldn't say anything because it took him a long time to come to terms with his own feelings and decide what he was going to do with them as well, but he doesn't like Wei Ying disparaging himself.]
It's always been you. It couldn't have been anyone but you.
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It takes shifting and rearranging to find any comfortable way to be laying like this, the blanket caught in a mess of itself, but Wei Wuxian allowing himself to be close and to all but cling and try, frankly, to capture one of Lan Zhan's legs between his if or when he shifts to accommodate this nonsense. His heart beats too fast, painful in a pleasant way, and he doesn't want to hide his face right now so much as hold Lan Zhan's close to his neck, by his rabbiting pulse. )
I'm going to mess up.
( He says this matter of fact, even if he's nerves, because he already has before, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care, that he won't try. )
I'll work on it, but just... Lan Zhan, I'll mess up.
( And he'll apologise, and he'll mess up, and he'll apologise again. The ways each time will be new, he's not that kind of idiot, but he doesn't know how else to say, please don't leave. )
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Wangji doesn't resist the tug or the tangling of limbs. He can feel Wei Ying's heartbeat, fast and beating against his ribcage like a trapped bird.
Once more, his hand find Wei Ying's back to rub it soothingly.]
Everyone messes up. As long as you're trying not to, it's all that matters.
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... Okay, he wants to be held, and that's a weird new thing too, because while it's a nebulous idea in his head, and he's been hugged by both his siblings before, and by friends at various points, it's not like this. Not him trying to not so subtly barnacle onto Lan Zhan, holding him close, and wanting to be held, and not knowing how to ask for that. )
I'm not planning to try, but the best of plans... You'll tell me, right? If I'm messing up?
( It's not going to come out too late or with a cutting finality, is it? )
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If you promise you'll do the same for me.
[Because he'll mess up too. He holds himself to a high standard, and he knows he won't meet it every time. And even with their common feelings, he and Wei yin are very different people, and as much as they've learned to exist around one another after a few false starts, there will be a need for compromise, for learning limits, for knowing when to say no or stop.
A few wiggles, so that they can end up with him below and Wei Ying on top of him, held safely there.]
We're in this together.
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I promise, of course I promise.
( It's not others he's ever harshest on, minus those who threaten the people he loves. For those he loves... so much in forgiveness, so much in endless chances, so much open to the pain of human relationships without a regret, in the end, except for not being enough for whatever moving target he's got in his head is the one that was necessary this time. )
Together.
( Weird thought, really strange. Not to say he doesn't understand or believe, he can do both, but it's... he's not used to it. He's used to giving people the room to walk away, the blessing to do so, and to only really have his older sister ever push back and tell him, in no uncertain terms, no.
But she's married, she's a mother, she can't be there in the way she once was, and after his pseudo falling out and fractured making up with his younger brother... hey, but it was his fault, ah? Probably. That's what he's felt, at least. )
Lan Zhan?
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but was waiting for this tag worth it--
yes it was..... lol
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