It's so easy for Wei Wuxian to look back at things and be gentle with it, to gloss over the things he had done. He hasn't had the many, many years to gaze at himself and see all his failures and mistakes. He hadn't had to raise a child desperately hoping he wouldn't turn into his mother or father, wishing desperately that his sister was there, that his brother-in-law lived. That Jin Ling would be good, would be happy.
He didn't spend years staring at the shrine to his family and feeling the weight of their expectations burn down on him. He can feel the knot in his throat building again, choking him and making him feel as though he feels something desperate is curling over him. He doesn't want to bare himself again, but here he is.
Why does Wei Wuxian does this to him? Why does Wei Wuxian still have this power over him? ]
Because I don't!
[ His hands are shaking and his eyes are flickering. ]
I didn't save Yanli! I failed to protect you from the other sects! It is as Jin Guangyao said - I did not stand by you and keep you at my side - I didn't make sure that you didn't... That they didn't take you away from us.
[ His head bows, his throat tight. ]
I did not stop Wang Lingjiao from setting off her signal and I did not protect Lotus Pier. It is as my mother always said - I am a failure. Nothing more.
[ How can he ignore what his mother and father had thought of him for so long? ]
( Oh, he needs more patience, he needs depths of it that Jiang Yanli had, but he's only himself, matured or otherwise. Wei Wuxian breathes in, swallows against the thickness in his throat and the frustration there, the anger, not as his former brother so much as at himself and the world for having been what it has been. Unfair?
That's the nature of it, and the good things are the blessings that are fought for and held onto and earned. He lifts both hands to cradle the sides of Jiang Cheng's face, voice low and intense, eyes red rimmed as he resists banging their heads together. Sometimes he thinks it'd be faster, but he knows the more they fight, the less either one of them really hears.
It'd be so much easier fighting. It's be so much easier not trying to struggle through facing these tangled emotions, ones that knot in his chest in different ways, but no less familiar. He wants Jiang Cheng to be okay. He needs him to be, and he doesn't know how to fix this. But that's part of it too, he thinks. It's not something either of them can fix on their own. )
And I told you to let me go! I said cut me out, so the clans would stop hounding you. We both made mistakes, Jiang Cheng! I helped get shijie killed. That was my fault, just like believing it was going to be okay coming to Carp Tower. I should have known better. I shouldn't have trusted staying quiet was enough, but I did, and I let that play out by walking right into their hands.
( His voice breaks on this, because he does not want to talk about it, does not want to revisit things he remembers, does not want to flirt with the abyss he'd dropped into when he'd seen the light in Jiang Yanli's eyes go forever dim. He'd killed her killer; he'd lost what was left of his ability to hold back, or to hold together. He'd destroyed the stygian tiger seal while crying through laughter partially hysterical.
He had sought his own death, and then, caught and dangling from Lan Zhan's hand, the blood binding them, and Jiang Cheng, grieving and looming, had not struck him down. Yet the shuddering of rock had been another fear through him, and Wei Wuxian had pulled back, had thrown himself down, rather than see the last of anyone he cared about still alive in the world fall down with him, and damn them all. )
You survived so much loss, helped raise your nephew, grew the sect to be a strength and power of its own... Jiang Cheng, your only failure is in believing in yourself.
[ It's too hard for Jiang Cheng, who feels as though he is sixteen again when he is twice that age, who feels as though he is back in his childhood home with his brother knocking on his door to be let in, to beg forgiveness. That's how it had always worked out, wasn't it? Wei Wuxian would do something stupid and Jiang Cheng would go and save him or dig him out of it, for the benefit of Lotus Pier and because he loved his brother more than he ever loved himself.
The touch to his face is enough to undo him but he keeps himself together, fresh out of tears and exhausted from the weight of his own feeling and the pain of existence. He hasn't had enough time to mourn, not really - a thousand years wouldn't be enough time to get over his sister, his family, his parents, his home. None of it would be enough, not when his heart is so heavy and so burdened with the agony of being alive.
He wishes that he could draw Sandu and make do, that he could do something to end the torment of seeing his brother back to life - Wei Wuxian returned when Jiang Yanli, when Jin Zixuan, when Madam Yu and father - but he can't. He isn't strong enough to destroy Wei Wuxian when he is so glad to see him, when he is making a life for himself in Gusu, when he has Lan Wangji to love and support him and Jiang Cheng has no one but his own pain and isolation to keep him company. ]
We both know I could have protected you. I could have protected Lady Wen as well - I tried, but she...
[ She returned his comb. She had chosen a life where death would come to her rather than a chance of living at his side. Should he feel sour about that, still? That she would have chosen death over marriage to him when he had been so earnest in his affection for her? He understands the sentiment all the same; choosing her brother over love. He would have done it too - Wei Wuxian over Wen Qing.
His stomach churns with pain and agony, with the nausea of hurt and years of suffering, of punishing himself for things out of his control. Punishing himself by thinking about it, over and over, is the only constant he knows - other than his nephew, his home. He had lived with it for so long that it felt more like an ally than an enemy.
He bows his head, breathing out shakily. ]
Isn't that failure enough, Wei Wuxian? I was never anything without you at my side, and you were gone.
barely changes this LMF i can't imagine wei wuxian figuring out comforting kisses if ur not 5
( srsly what's he supposed to say to any of this? he can't account for the strength of will and self that wen qing had shown years ago, had always known of herself: one of the woman he also admired most in the world, after jiang yanli. protecting just two people, them, is something he understands: jiang cheng's loyalties are close and tight and fierce, but that might be the crux of it. jiang cheng fought harder for the small circle, and wen qing saw too much of the larger context. she trusted in that, and wei wuxian was forced to face it and hope, too, and both of them had those hopes and faiths in an imperfect humanity crushed.
anyway, what's thinking? if jiang cheng can't get out of those thoughts, then force them out, with a different kind of violence of expectation: wei wuxian keeps his hand there, at jiang cheng's face, and abruptly and without warning leans in to press his forehead against his brother's. that, he feels, is shocking enough. )
I couldn't be at your side, Jiang Cheng, but I was always with you. Do you get that? It's unfair, but we're the same kind of fool, sacrificing for each other what neither of us would want the other man to give.
( he hesitates, because he does hate this, and it sounds in his voice, the more strangled note in it. he can't even hint at being light and unaffected, blithe or anything of the kind. he wishes he could. didn't yanli say that was his way, to smile through it, let the bad roll off him like water from a duck's back? is it letting her down to not carry that on here and now? )
I wanted to believe in so many things, Jiang Cheng, without having anything to back them. Justice, people's word, that staying silent and quiet in Yiling for that year meant people would start being less afraid. Then I walked right into what got our sister's husband killed. I couldn't keep Wen Qing and Wen Ning from turning themselves in, along with everyone else. I didn't know A-Yuan was left behind, when I ran after them, and all I found was the whole of the world I thought had to be better denouncing me for everything I hadn't yet done, and not for the things I had. When did it become a sin to defend myself? But if I'd been stronger, if I hadn't tried to find shijie, if I hadn't gone by Carp Tower before I went to Nightless City, she'd have been here still. That wasn't Jin Guangyao's doing. Shijie wouldn't have run there if it hadn't been for me. I got her killed, and I don't know how to make up for that, not now, not then.
( this is a really long and awkward speech to be having like this, but he makes himself talk, his tongue feeling heavy and tired in his mouth, chest feeling tight and heart squeezed beyond measure. )
When it came down to it, I was the one who broke under all that pressure, not you. So who was nothing, without someone by their side? It wasn't you, Jiang Cheng.
[ Jiang Cheng has never been able to let go of those closely guarded feelings, the intense jealousies that have clouded him from childhood to now. He thinks of the fact that now, with Jin Ling, with his family, with his connections, even now people will not choose him. Why would A-Ling come to him, Sect Leader Jiang, when Wei Wuxian is more interesting, more personable? He had sent fairy away. That was enough to show Jiang Cheng that Wei Wuxian was worming his way, even now.
But for all his irritation and all his jealousy he's not truly mad. He's sad, sad that his nephew can forgive and overcome boundaries far faster than he was ever able to do. Jiang Cheng has never been well-versed in forgiveness, for himself or for others, and that has not changed. He feels the burden of it as a leader, as a brother and as a father, no gentleness saved for any kindness towards himself. Why should he, when blame stands at his feet even now?
Hands shaking, he can barely look at Wei Wuxian, ashamed and broken all at the same time. (He has no mind to dwell on A-Yuan left behind, the small boy that had claimed his leg, not making the connection in his broken state -) ]
Wei Wuxian. You don't understand.
[ His breathing is a little more ragged now, trying to restrain tears even as he tries to swallow through the sobs in his throat. It's too much. ]
You were never nothing. You were everything.
[ Brother, disciple, friend, ally, saviour, hero - then enemy, villain, martyr. So many things that Jiang Cheng could never have hoped to be. So many things that he should have learned to be with his brother there to guide him, but it had slipped through his fingers as surely as his brother's hand had slipped through Lan Wangji's on the mountain. ]
I didn't keep chenqing for a joke. I kept it because I never wanted to let you go. I never chose that.
( Wei Wuxian cannot take that, not this close. All he can do is shift, pull his forehead away, and pull Jiang Cheng into his arms again, because he's both cold and hot right now, flushed and at the edge of tears, because it's too much, he's not worth this, but they both are. They both are. Shijie had always said so.
Easier to have faith in her, even now, than to believe himself in some things. He's never wanted to stop believing in Jiang Cheng, had defended him to Lan Zhan and Wen Ning, had made the excuses, and said he's not as harsh, he isn't, he's not just the sum of his worst parts.
And he's not. Neither of them are. But-- )
I never wanted to leave.
( He should have said more, but he clings, holds tight to his once upon a brother. He'd cut ties, wanting to spare him. Or more, opened up the possibility, dared Jiang Cheng to do it, challenged him to make that call.
They were both idiots. It makes him laugh, but in a choked up, half sobbing way, burying his head at Jiang Cheng's neck. )
Back then, I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't give up on them, I didn't feel like I could tell you to face off against the rest of anyone... I didn't want you to have to be stuck.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i've had this reply in my head but finally creativity comes
It's so easy for Wei Wuxian to look back at things and be gentle with it, to gloss over the things he had done. He hasn't had the many, many years to gaze at himself and see all his failures and mistakes. He hadn't had to raise a child desperately hoping he wouldn't turn into his mother or father, wishing desperately that his sister was there, that his brother-in-law lived. That Jin Ling would be good, would be happy.
He didn't spend years staring at the shrine to his family and feeling the weight of their expectations burn down on him. He can feel the knot in his throat building again, choking him and making him feel as though he feels something desperate is curling over him. He doesn't want to bare himself again, but here he is.
Why does Wei Wuxian does this to him? Why does Wei Wuxian still have this power over him? ]
Because I don't!
[ His hands are shaking and his eyes are flickering. ]
I didn't save Yanli! I failed to protect you from the other sects! It is as Jin Guangyao said - I did not stand by you and keep you at my side - I didn't make sure that you didn't... That they didn't take you away from us.
[ His head bows, his throat tight. ]
I did not stop Wang Lingjiao from setting off her signal and I did not protect Lotus Pier. It is as my mother always said - I am a failure. Nothing more.
[ How can he ignore what his mother and father had thought of him for so long? ]
asdflkj the struggle is real i feel you
That's the nature of it, and the good things are the blessings that are fought for and held onto and earned. He lifts both hands to cradle the sides of Jiang Cheng's face, voice low and intense, eyes red rimmed as he resists banging their heads together. Sometimes he thinks it'd be faster, but he knows the more they fight, the less either one of them really hears.
It'd be so much easier fighting. It's be so much easier not trying to struggle through facing these tangled emotions, ones that knot in his chest in different ways, but no less familiar. He wants Jiang Cheng to be okay. He needs him to be, and he doesn't know how to fix this. But that's part of it too, he thinks. It's not something either of them can fix on their own. )
And I told you to let me go! I said cut me out, so the clans would stop hounding you. We both made mistakes, Jiang Cheng! I helped get shijie killed. That was my fault, just like believing it was going to be okay coming to Carp Tower. I should have known better. I shouldn't have trusted staying quiet was enough, but I did, and I let that play out by walking right into their hands.
( His voice breaks on this, because he does not want to talk about it, does not want to revisit things he remembers, does not want to flirt with the abyss he'd dropped into when he'd seen the light in Jiang Yanli's eyes go forever dim. He'd killed her killer; he'd lost what was left of his ability to hold back, or to hold together. He'd destroyed the stygian tiger seal while crying through laughter partially hysterical.
He had sought his own death, and then, caught and dangling from Lan Zhan's hand, the blood binding them, and Jiang Cheng, grieving and looming, had not struck him down. Yet the shuddering of rock had been another fear through him, and Wei Wuxian had pulled back, had thrown himself down, rather than see the last of anyone he cared about still alive in the world fall down with him, and damn them all. )
You survived so much loss, helped raise your nephew, grew the sect to be a strength and power of its own... Jiang Cheng, your only failure is in believing in yourself.
too many deep emotions and no brain
The touch to his face is enough to undo him but he keeps himself together, fresh out of tears and exhausted from the weight of his own feeling and the pain of existence. He hasn't had enough time to mourn, not really - a thousand years wouldn't be enough time to get over his sister, his family, his parents, his home. None of it would be enough, not when his heart is so heavy and so burdened with the agony of being alive.
He wishes that he could draw Sandu and make do, that he could do something to end the torment of seeing his brother back to life - Wei Wuxian returned when Jiang Yanli, when Jin Zixuan, when Madam Yu and father - but he can't. He isn't strong enough to destroy Wei Wuxian when he is so glad to see him, when he is making a life for himself in Gusu, when he has Lan Wangji to love and support him and Jiang Cheng has no one but his own pain and isolation to keep him company. ]
We both know I could have protected you. I could have protected Lady Wen as well - I tried, but she...
[ She returned his comb. She had chosen a life where death would come to her rather than a chance of living at his side. Should he feel sour about that, still? That she would have chosen death over marriage to him when he had been so earnest in his affection for her? He understands the sentiment all the same; choosing her brother over love. He would have done it too - Wei Wuxian over Wen Qing.
His stomach churns with pain and agony, with the nausea of hurt and years of suffering, of punishing himself for things out of his control. Punishing himself by thinking about it, over and over, is the only constant he knows - other than his nephew, his home. He had lived with it for so long that it felt more like an ally than an enemy.
He bows his head, breathing out shakily. ]
Isn't that failure enough, Wei Wuxian? I was never anything without you at my side, and you were gone.
barely changes this LMF i can't imagine wei wuxian figuring out comforting kisses if ur not 5
anyway, what's thinking? if jiang cheng can't get out of those thoughts, then force them out, with a different kind of violence of expectation: wei wuxian keeps his hand there, at jiang cheng's face, and abruptly and without warning leans in to press his forehead against his brother's. that, he feels, is shocking enough. )
I couldn't be at your side, Jiang Cheng, but I was always with you. Do you get that? It's unfair, but we're the same kind of fool, sacrificing for each other what neither of us would want the other man to give.
( he hesitates, because he does hate this, and it sounds in his voice, the more strangled note in it. he can't even hint at being light and unaffected, blithe or anything of the kind. he wishes he could. didn't yanli say that was his way, to smile through it, let the bad roll off him like water from a duck's back? is it letting her down to not carry that on here and now? )
I wanted to believe in so many things, Jiang Cheng, without having anything to back them. Justice, people's word, that staying silent and quiet in Yiling for that year meant people would start being less afraid. Then I walked right into what got our sister's husband killed. I couldn't keep Wen Qing and Wen Ning from turning themselves in, along with everyone else. I didn't know A-Yuan was left behind, when I ran after them, and all I found was the whole of the world I thought had to be better denouncing me for everything I hadn't yet done, and not for the things I had. When did it become a sin to defend myself? But if I'd been stronger, if I hadn't tried to find shijie, if I hadn't gone by Carp Tower before I went to Nightless City, she'd have been here still. That wasn't Jin Guangyao's doing. Shijie wouldn't have run there if it hadn't been for me. I got her killed, and I don't know how to make up for that, not now, not then.
( this is a really long and awkward speech to be having like this, but he makes himself talk, his tongue feeling heavy and tired in his mouth, chest feeling tight and heart squeezed beyond measure. )
When it came down to it, I was the one who broke under all that pressure, not you. So who was nothing, without someone by their side? It wasn't you, Jiang Cheng.
( it was me. )
that icon. ouch. also have some honesty
But for all his irritation and all his jealousy he's not truly mad. He's sad, sad that his nephew can forgive and overcome boundaries far faster than he was ever able to do. Jiang Cheng has never been well-versed in forgiveness, for himself or for others, and that has not changed. He feels the burden of it as a leader, as a brother and as a father, no gentleness saved for any kindness towards himself. Why should he, when blame stands at his feet even now?
Hands shaking, he can barely look at Wei Wuxian, ashamed and broken all at the same time. (He has no mind to dwell on A-Yuan left behind, the small boy that had claimed his leg, not making the connection in his broken state -) ]
Wei Wuxian. You don't understand.
[ His breathing is a little more ragged now, trying to restrain tears even as he tries to swallow through the sobs in his throat. It's too much. ]
You were never nothing. You were everything.
[ Brother, disciple, friend, ally, saviour, hero - then enemy, villain, martyr. So many things that Jiang Cheng could never have hoped to be. So many things that he should have learned to be with his brother there to guide him, but it had slipped through his fingers as surely as his brother's hand had slipped through Lan Wangji's on the mountain. ]
I didn't keep chenqing for a joke. I kept it because I never wanted to let you go. I never chose that.
HONESTY HURTS
Easier to have faith in her, even now, than to believe himself in some things. He's never wanted to stop believing in Jiang Cheng, had defended him to Lan Zhan and Wen Ning, had made the excuses, and said he's not as harsh, he isn't, he's not just the sum of his worst parts.
And he's not. Neither of them are. But-- )
I never wanted to leave.
( He should have said more, but he clings, holds tight to his once upon a brother. He'd cut ties, wanting to spare him. Or more, opened up the possibility, dared Jiang Cheng to do it, challenged him to make that call.
They were both idiots. It makes him laugh, but in a choked up, half sobbing way, burying his head at Jiang Cheng's neck. )
Back then, I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't give up on them, I didn't feel like I could tell you to face off against the rest of anyone... I didn't want you to have to be stuck.
( Like he was. )